Did Casanova Really Need the Oysters? By Vlady Peters

[Dept of PMM Artists & things]

Scientists are rubbing their hands together with glee. A recent study of underwater creatures proves conclusively that oysters have certain properties that could very well enhance performance in the bedroom. Thus it follows, say the scientists in great satisfaction, that Casanova’s reputation as the world’s greatest lover can now be put down definitely to his voracious appetite for oysters.

But did Casanova really need the oysters? Or did he simply like oysters?

There are, after all, other well-documented lovers whose names have never been connected with oysters. Yet, like Casanova, they were every bit as successful with women.

Take Mozart’s Don Giovanni, for example. His conquest of over two thousand women, in at least five different countries, makes Casanova’s 100 odd seductions look rather anemic.

There is not a whisper of a maritime diet in Don Giovanni’s life. But there is certainly a common denominator running through both these men’s attitude that could very well explain their success with women.

Don Giovanni, like Casanova, was a man who found every woman appealing. He loved the tall, he loved the short. He loved the young, he loved the mature. He was as fond of the experienced lady as he was of the innocent one. Dazzled by princesses and the marchionesses, he was just as charmed by country lasses. Looks mattered to him not a jot. A blonde or brunette, the thin or the voluptuous, it was all the same to him.

Casanova may have been a little more selective, but when he was standing on the corner watching all the girls go by, his mind was certainly not on oysters.

He would watch with interest the changing faces. The bold or the demure. The smiling or the sulky. The inviting, the discouraging. Staring at them he would wonder about the kind of life this or that woman lived. What made her happy? What made her ecstatic? What were her secret yearnings and desires which she didn’t dare to disclose to anyone for fear of being laughed at?

With patience he would soon discovered that the little country girl wanted nothing more than to be treated like a lady instead of being dragged into the bushes by the local yokel. He could see under the aristocratic lady’s sophistication, a woman bored to tears, dreaming of romance and adventure far away from her comfortable and secure life.

Giacomo Casanova de Seingalt was only too willing to give them what they wanted, and, their own dreams fulfilled, the ladies were only to happy to go up to his bedroom to have a look at his etchings. And yes, while entertaining them in front of a vigorously burning fire, he would feed them and himself with oysters. But if they were not as fresh as they should be, he could very well survive without them.

Which reminds me, apart from reading about the break-through study about the oysters, I’ve also just heard on the radio of another interesting experiment. This one involving couples in a relationship.

According to these most recent studies, it has been proved conclusively that men who help their partners with housework, have sex twice as often as men who don’t.

If anyone is interested in testing either of these theories, share with us your findings.

Vlady is an author of two traditional books, "The Complete Book of Australian Weddings" and "The Small Organisation Handbook" and an ebook entitled "Honeymoon! A Sizzle or a Fizzle"