On Safe Words ( this question was asked in another group ) by TheGhostWhoWalks

[Dept of PMM Artists & things]

We ever used safe words per say, your slave would simply say stop or the dominant had the Common Sense to stop a scene. I first saw it in print in one of Mistress Diamond's magazines Passion. I still have that article. As I was looking this was Mistress Kat said in a interview from Lashes Magazine, owned by Countess Ann, the date was Vol 2 No 6, 1981 and was a reprint from 6-11-1978 from the Spectator.

KAT: There are many people who feel shameful about their desire for
S/M. Nothing deadens the energy as much as guilt, on either side,
dominant or submissive. Guilt can completely stop the energy flow.

I certainly don't think S/M is sick. In fact, I think it is healthy
in some real deep ways that we don't even un­derstand. I think it is
the FEAR of S/M tendencies or desires - fear of a part of ourselves
that we keep hidden -- that fear is what is wrong. It closes doors to
channels of energy, and creates
guilt.

I think that this same fear is what is behind the "safe word"
syndrome. The fear comes from a basic distrust of the other person,
rather than the high degree of trust that good S/M requires. And each
person may fear to face the fact that they really ENJOY S/M. Society
has given S/M and male submissiveness a bad name and it is this
programming that makes the male feel that what he craves and desires
is dirty, sick. If he finds someone who is willing to explore
dominance with him, she is quickly tainted in his mind by her
association with him and his perverted fantasies. Such distrust of
the dominant can cause the man to cling to his need to control. But
control negates the submissive experience. So there it is. What could
be a hot experience becomes a silly charade since the man is still
basically the dominant.

So you have to respect your own desires as O.K. and respect the other
person -- love them, in fact -- for their
willing exploration with you. Respect comes from recognising the
value and healthiness, the deep beauty of this experience. It is
marvellous to experience such levels of intimacy with another soul.
It's
fabulous! We don't get to feel this sort of thing everyday!

For example, we sit here now just as three bodies instead of
being aware of the consciousness being manifested in these three
bodies which are able to hook up telepathically. Our auras are
probably overlapping each other right now but we aren't able to
connect here socially like I connect with a submissive erotically,
when that energy is roaring between us. All the walls are down the
barriers are gone we are one. How can anyone say this is wrong? We
are fortunate to be able to experience it.

SAFE WORDS"...

ARE THEY JUST FOR NOVICES?

by Mistress Diamond

OK, Dear Friends, I realize this has always been a rather controversial topic!
So, in typical Diamond fashion...because I think it IS IMPORTANT...<WBR>I'll wade right into this, and the devil be damned if you don't agree!
Write to me and protest in print, whenever your theories differ from mine. I'll be more than happy to provide you with space herein. But, for now....

SAFETY ACCORDING TO • • DIAMOND • •

Before entering into a scene, LIMITS SHOULD BE AGREED UPON. "SAFE WORDS". What exactly are they? How necessary are they? Are Scene Veterans ABOVE using them? If you're getting ready to turn the page by now because you're sick of hearing about "safe words"....go ahead... turn that page. But, before you DO, (since you're probably already pissed off with me for writing this) let me zap you with this: It is my firm belief that "safe words" should be used in ANY and
ALL responsible scene play, no matter what level of expertise is involved!
Using them can only serve to enhance the standing of the participants as RESPONSIBLE PLAYERS!
Basically, "safe words" are single words or phrases that a sub is given for a scene to enable him to either change, diminish, or exit that scene, should it become necessary for him to do so. Some common examples: stop light colors, numbers, or words
such as "mercy" or "please, Mistress/Master" (a bit too fetishistic to be effective, I believe!) My own selection is one deeply engrained since childhood: "Uncle".
I term these words "safety eject buttons", or "verbal parachutes". Their usage provides the Top with much more latitude in a scene, because she doesn't have to worry about overdoing it. On the bottom side, "safe words" permit the sub to relax (as
much as a sub dares relax in a scene!), knowing that, in the event his Top misjudges, he 'DOES have the bail-out option. The sense of security that such words provide, enable the sub to go that extra mile in a scene, thus giving him the courage to expand his horizons, to grow in his submission.

Safe words provide insurance in the event of accidents, miscalculation, or human error! Sometimes, even with the most thorough advance planning, things can happen over which the play partner has absolutely NO CONTROL such as a muscle spasm, nausea, dizziness, a fall, etc. Since the first three of these are "internal", often in the middle of an active scene they
may be very difficult for the Top, who is busy "doing", to spot immediately. It is, therefore, VITAL that the bottom in
trouble live up to his/her part of this "Safety Agreement" by not letting fear of failure or Sub Ego deter him/her from actually using what has been incorporated into that very scene for HIS/HER protection. What good is ANY prior communication and subsequent plans if, in the heat of the actual moment, either Top or bottom chooses to renege on the agreement?! . .
One additional note on,Safe Words in a scene: Sometimes in the middle of play it may not always be possible for a bottom to "verbalize", either due to physical restraints such as a gag in the mouth, or, perhaps, a sudden flood of complex memories that serve to catapult the bottom into a state of emotional shock. A Top should also have a visual signal as a back-up (i.e. hand or finger motions, or, perhaps, a small object held in the hand, to be dropped in an emergency).
An experienced Top will probably rely, above all, on what I term "gut observation" and "body language".
Personally speaking, I am CONSTANTLY monitoring my play partner physically and emotionally. Seldom do I choose to gag my pet. I prefer LOTS of communication in a scene! After all, the more verbal a sub is, the more "rope" he has to hang himself, something hell ALWAYS do quite nicely if I'm in one of those playful moods to find fault with EVERYTHING he says!

Safe words should NOT be used frivolously. They are the Scene fire-alarms.
In my world, once a safe word is used, the scene is permanently halted. It does NOT start up again!
Some Tops are slightly more flexible and use these words to change the scene's tempo or direction. Still other Tops wouldn't be caught dead utilizing these in a scene. They claim their gut instincts, coupled with the body language of a slave are sufficient barometers. The classic reasoning behind this attitude is that by allowing these "verbal escape parachutes", one
places the ultimate control of the scene into the hands of the submissive. The bent of these protesting Tops is TOTAL
control. Once that dungeon door closes, the scene that ensues is entirely on their terms.
How do subs react to the last philosophy? Often as a mixed bag. It is indeed intimidating to know that once the scene
is rolling, the sub will have absolutely no stopping or braking power. At times, in fact, it can actually add a certain flavor
of terror——a real plus for many veteran players, but, for the novice, often more of a nightmare! This poor pet's gut is
often busily churning from concerns for safety, hygiene, discretion, marking, etc.
How do safe words enhance MY play?
I personally have discovered that the more secure a submissive feels with me, the deeper I'm able to move him into that
particular scene. What does "deep" mean? Not necessarily just the level of physical play or discipline. Moreso, for Me, it refers to the QUALITY of play on ALL levels: mental, physical, and emotional.
It is extremely important to take the time to talk to your bottoms, especially the new ones, prior to commencing play.
You need to familiarize them with ground rules, safe words, "safe signals" (gestures when speech is impossible),
assuring them that you will be continuously monitoring their body language during the play. In Mainstream, body language has always been a fascination.
In Scene play, it IS CRITICAL.
Throughout My years of Top practice, My diligent observation of such things as facial expression, the EYES, gestures, body movement, verbal expressions, voice tone, skin color and temperature has permitted me to move more effectively through scenes without breaking that tolerance level. Only twice, in all My years as Top, have subs had to use a safe word in their play.

One final (AND VERY MAJOR) word of caution to My new and budding Dominant sisters out there: DON'T force the
discipline or play to the point where your slave is ground down and brought to the breaking point! Your whole object in
responsible scene play is not to escalate the scene beyond what you know to be your slave's current capabilities. In
other words, DON'T TURN YOUR SCENE INTO A CONTEST OF WILLS!
Granted, you may get your rocks off temporarily by pushing your bottom to say "UNCLE!", but you will, should this hap-
pen, have succeeded in destroying the positive flow of the scene and, perhaps, any chance for future growth. Are your
emotional kicks really worth this? It requires more skill to effectively and responsibly dominate a submissive than to batter and demolish him! If this is your turn-on (and I've seen it happen!), you do not deserve to title yourself as "one of us"! Get out of our wonderful Scene, because your actions will just help to fuel the negative stereotyping of Our World, and drive some potentially good submissives back into their closets!
Amen, now!

From Passion Magazine , Issue 2, 1994

This from Fetish Times
Safety Stressed!

Fetish Times , No. 258 , 1995

Hi there!
I'm writing to you about the importance of bondage safety.
One night, not long ago, my husband of fifteen years had me tied tighter than a steer. Trussed from head to foot and tied to the bed, I couldn't move a muscle.
We were both naked and he, poor thing, was about to put his prick in my cunt. Suddenly, we both smelled smoke!
Rather than panic and try worrying about all the many knots binding me to what could have been my death bed, he coolly reached over into the night stand, took out a scissors and cut me loose. It took less than thirty seconds and we both grabbed robes and ran outside.
The result was only a small kitchen fire from the crazy people who live downstairs from US. The firemen scolded them for lack of basic good sense and that was the end of it.
Still, I'm grateful my husband is so smart when it comes to things like safety!
—Mrs. K.
New York, NY

Dear Mrs. K.,
Congratulations to your husband's good sense. We have ALWAYS stressed SAFETY when it comes to bondage. Participants should be adults and both must consent. They should use "safe words" which means a code word known to the two of them that when used means the tied partner is released at
once. We also advocate keeping a scissors handy for reasons like you stated and also in case the bound partner panics and wants a quick release. Bondage can be fun and should also be safe!

Spanking Tips

From Over HER Knee Magazine

Premier Issue, Nov. 1997

Spanking Tips by Desiree...
There's two ways your friend could be. (this can apply to the male or female spankee)
She may want you to take the lead and give her a spanking. Since she's not used to it, if you take this route, start fairly light (not wimpy), over her clothes and work your way down to the bare skin.
Give her safe-words, 'red'-stop, 'yellow'-slow down, 'green'-harder.<WBR>.. With these 3 choices instead of the standard one word for stop, you give your spankee the option of telling you that they want it harder, or they like it at just that intensity and the spanking will last longer with more satisfactory results. I personally use 'Uncle' to stop,''has the spanking started yet?' to get it harder, and 'mercy' to lighten up just a little (but don't stop).
Start out light and steadily spank harder until you hear one of the safe-words. Tell her it's important that she communicates with you so she can get the most pleasure out of the spanking as you can give. Naked skin is more sensitive then covered. The biggest worry with us ladies is that the man will think we look fat over his knee. So telling her that she has a beautiful bottom and other remarks along that line will help her feel relaxed. If you haven't spanked before, remember that and videos look harder then they are. Except with Diane. She didn't have a high pain tolerance.,so I had to go easy on her. I can spank harder then that, but wouldn't force her to anything past her limit.

From Jim Ward of the Gauntlet

In the mid-60s the gay S/M scene was nothing like it is today. Things were far from codified. No one had ever heard of safe words. It wasn’t even clear whether wearing ones keys on the left meant you were a top or a bottom and vice versa. On the East Coast it was said it meant you were a top, but if you were from the West Coast it meant you were a bottom. The bandana color code was still several years in the future. Just how much actual S/M was going on is hard for me to say. In my own experience what passed for S/M was mostly rough sex with a little role playing and bondage thrown in on occasion.

How to help Her become the Dominant of your (and Her) Dreams!

by LADY GREEN

From Whips and Chains Magazine , Vol. 1 , Issue 5. 1994

IN MY EXPERIENCE AS A SEXUALLY DOMINANT WOMAN, I'VE FOUND THAT MANY,
MANY MORE MEN THAN WOMEN ADMIT TO AN INTEREST IN EROTIC POWER (S&M,
B&D AND SO ON). YET MANY WOMEN DISCOVER THAT THEY CAN DEEPLY ENJOY
DOMINATING THEIR MAN - IF THEY'RE INTRODUCED TO SEXUAL DOMINATION IN
AN UNDERSTANDING, APPRECIATIVE AND
NON-PUSHY WAY.

IF YOU'RE A MAN WITH SUBMISSIVE FANTASIES OR EXPERIENCES, AND YOUR
LADY IS INEXPERIENCED BUT OPEN-MINDED ENOUGH TO CONSIDER EXPLORING
ALTERNATIVE SEXUAL S1YLES, NOW COULD BE THE PERFECT TIME TO INTRODUCE
HER TO THE DELIGHTS OF SEXUAL DOMINATION.

HERE ARE SOME GUIDELINES THAT WILL GREATLY INCREASE YOUR
CHANCES OF SUCCESS.

1: DONT "SURPRISE" HER. although some men find this hard to
understand, sexual domination is difficult and scary for many women.
Your bay has spent her entire life being conditioned to be pleasant,
accommodating and giving. She may be a little afraid of what
your reaction will "really" be to her change in personality during
your scene. talk to her about your ideas at least a week in advance;
give her plenty of time to think about it, and plenty of reassurance
as she does. If she doesn't feel comfortable with this style of play
at this time, accept her "no" gracefully and lovingly. She may
eventually come around to an interest in sexual domination, but she
certainly won't if you nag her about it.

2: BE CLEAR...about who's giving what to whom.
You may feel an impulse to "give" her your submission as a present.
Fellas, I've played both the dominant and submissive roles many
times. Be completely clear about this: Her domination is her gift to
you. Taking power, control and responsibility for the duration of a
scene requires a tremendous outpouring of energy. If you want her to
go on giving you the gift of sexual domination, be apprecibtive. (So
what will you give her in return, I'll tell you.)

3: MAKE SURE SHE IS FRESH. stress-free and well-rested. A domination
scene, especially a first domination scene, requires a lot of energy.
How about giving her a "day off" to prepare beforehand? Send the kids
to your mother's, or take them out to lunch and the movies. Or, if
you can afford it, give her a day of total pampering - facial,
massage, manicure, pedicure and hairstyling - at her favorite salon
or spa. She'll be far more able to give you her best energy if she
has some energy to spare

4: NEGOTIATE FULLY AND HONESTLY. Experienced dominants will not play
with a man who is less than honest about his needs and preferences.
(One of the "three great lies" of S&M is "Anything you want,
Mistress.")
Set aside at least an hour of uninterrupted time well before your
session in which to discuss what activities might work well for both
of you. A good structure to use is a three-part division: One
category is for activities that both of you would find erotically
exciting. The second is for activities that one of you isn't excited
by, but can accept if the other wants to try them. The third category
is for activities that are a total turnoff to either of you. If
you've fantasized a lot about a particular activity, but not actually
experienced it, be honest about fhat too - being hit with a riding
crop can feel quite different in reality than it does in fantasy -
and she needs to know that you may not like it as much as you thought
you would.

5: USE SAFE WORDS AND CHECK-INS. A "safe word" - a code word that
either of you can use to mean "this really isn't working for me,
let's talk" is an important reassurance for both the submissive and
the dominant.
If you've agreed on a safe word, you know that you can beg, cry or
whatever turns you on, and she knows that whatever she's doing is
still basically OK with you. Also arrange for her to "check in" with
you every so often during the scene. She can quietly ask you, "How
are you doing?" or "Still with me?" A soft "I'm OK, Mistress," or
even a `thumbs-up' signal, lets her know that the scene is still
working for you.