54

[Dept of PMM Castle Life]

Often, guilt and self-recrimination take over. The dom, the ultimate source of good judgement, knowledge and power, must have made the right decision. You feel you must be unworthy. So, of course, you blame yourself. What did I do to drive them away? Could I have been a better slave? Did I not please them? Am I unworthy of their attention? Did they leave for another slave? How is that person able to please where I was not? These feelings are a normal part of this type of relationship mourning. But, as there is an end to the relationship, there is also an end to the grieving of the relationship. You move your way from shock, denial, anger, and guilt to the completion of the mourning. And although there still will be times when you miss your master/mistress, completion means recovery, acceptance and adaptation.

Youíll recover your stability, your energy, your hopefulness, your capacity to enjoy life and to invest in other relationships. Youíll accept that the relationship is over ñ and be a wholer and wiser person for it. HELP FOR HEALING If the process of recovering from the loss of your master/mistress seems too awful to contemplate, Iíve included some tips to recovering from the loss of a love to make the journey a bit smoother.

The tendency will be to blame yourself, because, after all, the dom is always right. Resist the temptation. Doms may need new models for all sorts of their own reasons which my include, believe it or not, their own shortcomings. So be very gentle with yourself and kind, forgiving, tender. Accept that you have an emotional wound, that it is debilitating, and that it will take a while before you are completely well. And for heavenís sake, donít blame yourself for any "mistakesî (real or imagined) that you think brought you this loss. Get lots of rest, eat well, exercise, remember to take deep breaths, meditate, under-indulge in addictive substances (they retard the mourning process).

Go to your support group (or discover one) and get lots of comfort from people who have gone through similar scenes. People who have survived similar losses can provide support and guidance ñ and are proof that you too will survive. Stay close to friends and family. Get lots of hugs. Donít forget to laugh. The telephone is a great tool for support. Use it. The longing to serve may be overwhelming. Donít make the mistake of getting into another situation until you have completed this grieving process. The result could be "reboundî and you wonít be making solid decisions. You don't want to create more pain for yourself. Make sure that youíre next relationship isnít a reaction from the former one. Expect to feel afraid. Youíve been abandoned. The bond, the tie that held you together has been disrupted. You will fear being alone, fear that youíll never have someone to serve again, fear the pain, the desolation and torment that may lie ahead. But remember, fear can help you meet the challenges of life ñ and it will pass. Embrace your feelings ñ its OK to feel depressed, suicidal (feel, not act), angry, guilty, desperate, alone, homicidal. There feelings are a natural part of the healing process. They mean youíve loved. And again, they will pass.

When you can, forgive your dom. Donít do it for him/her. Do it for your own peace of mind and the quality of your future relationships. And finally, begin anew. Let go of the loss and the pain, know that you are a stronger person, have the courage to begin relating again, and know that you are a better person for having loved.

Collars and Traditions
(Everything you wanted to know about collars and then some. Includes: A special concern about the dilution old traditions.)
by jade

Collars, collars everywhere...
but what are they and why do we use them?

Recently we had a firestorm of activity on our bulletin board concerning collars. It's a subject often asked about and one that seems to generate many different responses from the community. I'm not going to claim to have all the answers on this topic or try to write a document to use as a standard for the D/s, BDSM lifestyle. However, I will try to share what we've learned in our own experiences during our journey into the realm of dominance and submission.

A collar is extremely significant in our lifestyle, no matter in what group you find yourself. It not only identifies the person wearing it as a member of the lifestyle, it indicates they are submissive and belong to someone. From this point we start to find a lot of gray areas in today's use of the collar. I'll try to expand on some types, common factors and the major differences as this moves along.

The Collar of Ownership

The most common type of collar is the collar of ownership. It signifies a relationship has formed between the submissive and dominant and the exclusive rights to the submissive belong to the owner of the collar she/he is wearing. The symbolism of a collar is steeped in tradition and is the outward symbol of the commitment made by the dominant and submissive. It marks her/him as the property of another, much the same way a wedding ring does for our vanilla counterparts. The collar ALWAYS remains the property of the dominant and if the relationship fails, the collar is returned to the owner1. Accepting or giving a collar is not something to be taken lightly in this lifestyle. It denotes a deep commitment between the submissive and dominant, and from the moment the collar is locked in place, the dominant is viewed as the submissive's master or mistress.

The style of this type of collar is as individual as the people who use it. Often it is leather with metal adornment and usually locks in place, making it impossible for anyone but the submissive's owner to remove it2,3. It commonly has at least one ring to allow a leash to be attached when needed. Some couples prefer not to use the standard style and opt for something a bit more fashionable. One of the options is a silver or gold ring that forms a solid circle once it is joined by a skilled metal smith or jeweler. The only way it can be removed is to cut the metal. (Note that caution must be used if choosing this style. Allow for weight gain or swelling and keep a careful watch it does not become tight. It should move freely and have enough space to easily fit the fingers of one hand between the collar and the throat. It's also important to keep a tool that can cut the collar quickly if needed.)

Most couples have more than one collar in their wardrobe of lifestyle trappings. It is often not possible for the submissive to wear his/her collar in public so an alternative is needed. It can be a piece of jewelry, such as a necklace or anklet, or it may take the form of one of the decorative collars we see so frequently in fashion trends. What it looks like is unimportant as long as it has symbolic significance to the couple involved.

Training Collar

Novice submissives often wear a plain leather collar, with one or more rings, during their training period. This collar does not indicate ownership or any special bond between the submissive and the trainer4. It isn't worn outside the "classroom", so to speak. The purpose of this collar is to allow the submissive to feel some of the control that she/he will surrender and to experience a taste of the emotions evoked when a power exchange takes place. Many of the typical disciplines and activities of the lifestyle involve using a collar for sending signals to the submissive when he/she is doing something incorrectly or to gain their attention. A slight jerk on a leash attached to a collar helps center the submissive or signals them of the dominant's expectations, much the way a collar is used to train a dog in obedience skills. In short, this kind of collar is a working tool and nothing more.

Training collars are typically unattractive and rather sturdy. They're going to be used to train, not be a fashion statement. Sometimes the training collar is kept by the submissive and later used for typical lifestyle activities when she/he is in a relationship with a dominant.

Special Collars

Many D/s couples have a variety of collars suited for special situations. If the couple enjoys the "puppy girl/boy" scene, they may own a common dog collar and leash for those times the submissive is in role as a human puppy for her Master's pleasure. Another type of collar might be a heavy duty bondage collar used when the dominant wants to demonstrate his/her total control by using the collar as a connecting point for locking cuffs, restraints, chains or any number of useful toys, to the submissive's collar. Wide, restricting collars with posture bar attachments are used to correct a submissive's posture and poise as well as providing their own unique control that can be enjoyed by the dominant and submissive. Check one of the online catalogs for a view of these types of collars. (Darkfire Gallery is an excellent place to start.) As you can see there are almost limitless uses for variety of collars you can find if you do some shopping.

Other Collars and Different Views

A couple of new issues have sprung up as a result of the ongoing threads about collars and what is and what is not valid as far as collars go. The primary debate stems from the use of a collar known now as the "collar of consideration."

Let me say first that there are many different styles and views in this lifestyle today. Many years ago there were only two standards on which to base any formal lifestyle activities: The Oriental Society and the European Council. Things were pretty black and white then. These "old houses" maintained the traditions that had been handed down for generations and carefully guarded the purity of the guidelines for their beliefs and behaviors. These two groups varied considerably in methods and philosophy and we've discussed those differences in a couple of the articles posted in the Castle Realm Library.

Our affiliation has been with the Society and it is their style and standards we tend to follow in our own relationship. While we may have some basic knowledge of the European methods (the Old Guard seems to have traditions most resembling this group5), we do not know or pretend to know all of their rituals and traditions. All we can say is this: In our intermingling with other groups and in our own circles, there is no mention of a "collar of consideration" anywhere. The only reference we've seen comes from one article written by Mistress Steel. (We thank her for sharing it with us by publishing it.)

Now, does this mean there is no basis in truth or fact for the collar of consideration? No, it doesn't. I'm sure there are literally thousands of different ideas practiced by some of the "houses" in both of the old groups and it is well within the realm of believability that this collar existed and still exists today in certain groups. I can cite an example of this in something we've added to the Library, "The Ceremony of the Roses." This beautiful ritual was part of the group of houses in which we have roots, but isn't part of the entire Oriental Society's teachings. Each group has their own special traditions and ceremonies that have their own unique origin but still adhere to the standards of the Society as a whole.

Ultimately each one of us has to decide what we want to incorporate into our own relationships and lifestyle. I'm safe in saying that very few people reading this will ever be associated with one of the old groups anyway. Most are going to be living their lifestyle on an individual and personal basis. If the idea of a "collar of consideration" appeals to you, then you should embrace it as part of your own special way to express your dominance and submission. I personally enjoyed reading about the idea and thought it seemed to be a beautiful idea that could serve some couples quite nicely. Where or when it began should not hinder your use of it in your own relationship.

Cyber collars are another phenomena that we've seen become an accepted standard to the online D/s community. Their validity is only as meaningful as the people involved so we see some pretty wide variations in the behavior and expectations of those using them. To some, they are as significant as one made of leather and steel and lovingly placed around the neck of the devoted submissive by a responsible dominant. To others, they're as disposable as toilet paper and mean little but a means of getting attention and some sure-score cybersex. Again, it's up to you to use it or abuse it.

What's Right For Me?

You should ask yourself these questions about any idea or practice you are considering: Will it benefit me, my partner and our relationship? Does it feel "right" to us? Do we want/need this as part of our own traditions and beliefs? Does it make us happy and enrich our lives together as a D/s couple? Does it adhere to the Safe, Sane and Consensual credo? If you can answer yes to those questions, and it harms no one else in doing so, then by all means include it as part of your unique style. You do not need to justify your choices to anyone else nor do you need to prove it is part of some ancient tradition for it to have meaning. Do it because YOU enjoy it. The heck with what anyone else thinks.

A Special Concern


We live in a rapidly expanding world and the ability to easily share information via the Internet and other media has opened new doors to things that were unavailable only a few years ago. This has been both a blessing and a curse. The blessing: We have readily available information and free-flowing exchange of ideas. The curse: Many of the old traditions and beliefs have been distorted and diluted because they've been altered and inbred with the "new age" lifestyle. My fear is this; in a few years we may not be able to sort the old traditions from the modernized versions. It won't be the end of the lifestyle but there will certainly be a loss of structure that made the formal lifestyle so appealing to some of us.

For decades, old groups carefully screened their membership and activities to maintain their societies. Things have changed in recent years with the openness of sexual practices that where once hidden from view. An example of this is mentioned in the following quotes from "Different Loving" by Brame, Brame and Jacobs:

"Leathermen did not generally welcome public attention. Entering their society was intentionally made difficult. Each newcomer had to prove his worth in a controlled social environment where experienced people guided him through a lengthy training period. Failure to abide by the complex unwritten rules governing dress and demeanor meant at least a lessening of social status and at worst ostracization. This social milieu has since come to be known as the Old Guard, and networking was among its key social regulators."---Brame."Although Old Guard conventions continue to influence gay and straight leather and the D&S communities, its rigorous etiquette has been considerably diluted. This is largely attributed to a sizable influx of men (and women) who seek sexual acceptance among their peers. The very things that made the Old Guard strong---a highly evolved social structure and a sense of community---attracted new members and , ultimately, contributed to its demise."---Brame.

"There is an influx of endless numbers of curious people; there are more people showing up at play parties and the bars than could possibly be assimilated. In my view, for the S/M community to remain somewhat underground and somewhat unaccepted so that people have to approach warily and have to prove themselves as trustworthy individuals, is in fact a very high value for the community."---Joseph Bean

Different Loving by Brame, Brame and Jacobs - Villard Books, 1996.
Chapter 2, page 31

With so many people claiming to have inside information and disclosing secret traditions rooted more in fiction than truth, I have to wonder how the next decade is going to change the social structure of our lifestyle. To those who see D/s as only a diversion or series of activities to spice up their lives, there won't likely be many changes. But to those of us who cherish the rituals and traditions that once formed the foundation of our chosen way of life, there's going to changes that will lessen the fiber of a once-strong cloak of respectability that surrounded us. It's important for all of us to be honest in our views and shared information. If you found something in a novel about Gor or in the Story of O, please don't create a story about how it began and add more confusion to those who will follow you. Gor and Roissy are based in fantasy, but there are things in those books that can be incorporated into your own relationship and add immensely to your personal pleasures. That's the beauty of this lifestyle. We get to try it all and keep only what we like. We can all share ideas and grow as a community and still not dissipate the purity of the old traditions if we don't try to blend them into one big D/s Space Odyssey Tale. Take credit for the novelty of your own ideas. I've seen some wonderful ones that have sprung up on mIRC channels and the respectable ones weren't afraid to say they created their own repertoire of standards and new traditions rather than pushing them off as the old ways.

FRIENDSHIP - Nothing else in your relationship is more vital for sustaining its trust, depth and endurance. Nurture it constantly so that both of you feel confident and secure in each other's heart and mind. Share kisses and embraces mornings and nights, at times hold hands or walk arm-and-arm when out on prearranged or surprise "dates". Make mutual affection a habit that shows. Learn fully about each other's family upbringing and outlook on life.

COMMUNICATION - Meet at least once a week for an hour or more to discuss your deepest feelings and matters of mutual concern (needs, finances, family, work, etc.) Most important, practice listening intently to one another with minimal interruptions. Aim for clarity and understanding.

RESPECT - Settle your differences through negotiation and compromise as equals in the relationship who may disagree at times, but value each other's opinions and attitudes. Try identifying with your partner's points-of-view and use that empathy to resolve disputes. Make no harsh judgments of who is "right" or "wrong".

VARIETY - Climb out of ruts and adventure together with hot air ballooning, walks over new terrain, interesting seminars, wine tasting, etc. Go for a spontaneous ride in your car and discover new places. Learn massage techniques and discover new ways to touch each other.

PRAISE - Keep an ear and eye tuned to what you genuinely appreciate about your lover - whether it's physical, emotional or intellectual. Once, twice or more often every day, express your admiration in words and gestures. Never talk mechanically, but with heartfelt sentiment and warmth.

THOUGHTFULNESS - Plan surprises that say your partner truly matters. Take on chores that are normally your mate's. Leave loving messages on greeting cards under pillows, in cabinets or the fridge, etc. Give flowers and/or balloons when your partner has had a particularly hard day.

PLAY - Romp in childlike, hilarious games for two: a gentle pillow fight, tickling within bounds, playing doctor short of malpractice. Drop all restraints while you take turns reading aloud and acting out sensuous stories. Imagine yourselves as fictitious characters and be a Rhett Butler to her Scarlet O'Hara. Maybe act out being a ravishing spy seducing a gullible American scientist. People having fun together stay together
Some Thoughts About Submission
by jade
What is submission?
Submission is a word that we hear tossed around pretty often lately but I often wonder if most people really understand what it means. Being a "submissive" has become very popular in the D/s, BDSM fad that is sweeping the chat rooms and websites. There's even a fashion and cultural trend based on some of the facets of the BDSM lifestyle. You can find collars and leather fetish items being worn by the rich and famous or you can have dinner in one of New York's newest, trendy restaurants that features all the trappings of the lifestyle dungeon, complete with submissive waiters and waitresses. All of these things are interesting and amusing but they are not a true picture of what it's all about. Submission isn't a fad or a role playing game that we see so often online and at clubs, and you aren't a submissive because you like to be tied up and have kinky sex once in awhile.
So what is it? Submission is the act of surrendering some or all of ones personal power to another person. It's allowing someone else to control your body and behavior within certain preset limits. This must be a willing act on the part of the submissive or the boundaries of abuse have been crossed. The methods and levels of submission are infinite. Each person must decide how much and how far this exchange of power will go but the rules of "safe, sane and consensual" must always apply.
Why does anyone do this?
If you asked a hundred people you'd probably get a hundred different answers. For some it's a way to add a little more excitement to their love life. For others there may be deep, psychological reasons that go beyond my ability to understand. Based on my experience I believe there are three distinct types individuals who fall into the definition of submissive. Please understand that these are my OWN definitions and not some standard issued by the D/s community.
1. The sexual submissive. Also known as a bottom or sensual sub. This type of submissive is into it mainly for the sexual gratification derived from some of the activities practiced in BDSM. Once their needs are met they no longer feel a need to submit or surrender any other personal power or control.
2. The psychological submissive. This group contains many of the masochistic submissives. They are into it for the pain, punishment and humiliation often inflicted on them by more sadistic dominants. Many abused individuals often end up in this category and are not actually submissives but may have emotional problems that keep them in the "victim" mode because of their previous experiences.
3. The natural submissive. Also called true submissive. This type of individual seems to have been born submissive. It goes beyond the sexual aspects of the BDSM and is a normal part of their makeup. It is their nature to please others and readily relinquish their personal power with little or no urging from their dominant.
Which one is right?
All of them or none of them, depending on your views. Each person must do what is right and fulfilling for them. There have been countless, needless argument over who is and who is not a "real" submissive. Some start out as a sensual sub with little interest in pleasing anyone but themselves and end up growing into some of the most beautiful submissives in our lifestyle. It's not the right of anyone to judge who is and isn't submissive based on what activities satisfy them or how many scars or piercings they may have. Submission is a condition of the heart and only the individual knows what is in theirs.
Sample Consensual "Slavery" Contract
This contract is provided as a secure and binding agreement which defines in specific terms the relationship and interaction between two individuals, hereafter termed the slave and the master (both terms are intended to be independent of sex). This agreement is legal and binding. This agreement must be entered voluntarily, but cannot be broken except under the conditions stated herein, after which certain precautions shall be taken to protect those involved. (See section 7.0.0)
1.0.0 Slave's Role
The slave agrees to submit completely to the master in all ways. There are no boundaries of place, time, or situation in which the slave may willfully refuse to obey the directive of the master without risking punishment, except in situations where the slave's veto (see section 1.0.1) applies. The slave also agrees that, once entered into the Slavery Contract, their body belongs to their master ,, to be used as seen fit, within the guidelines defined herein. All of the slave's possessions likewise belong to the master , including all assets, finances, and material goods, to do with as they see fit. The slave agrees to please the master to the best of their ability, in that they now exist solely for the pleasure of said master .
1.0.1 Slave's Veto
The slave, where appropriate, holds veto power over any command given by the master , at which time they may rightfully refuse to obey that command. This power may only be invoked under the following circumstances, or where agreed by both master and slave:

a. Where said command conflicts with any existing laws and may lead to fines, arrest, or prosecution of the slave .
b. Where said command may cause extreme damage to slave's life, such as losing their job, causing family stress,etc.
c. Where said command may cause permanent bodily harm (see 4.0.0) to the slave .
d. Where said command may cause psychological trauma to the slave, such as a rape scene for a slave that has been raped in the past.

2.0.0 Master's Role
The master accepts the responsibility of the slave's body and worldly possessions, to do with as they see fit, under the provisions determined in this contract. The master agrees to care for the slave , to arrange for the safety and well-being o f the slave , as long as they own the slave . The master also accepts the commitment to treat the slave properly, to train the slave, punish the slave, love the slave, and use the slave as they see fit.
3.0.0 Punishment
The slave agrees to accept any punishment the master decides to inflict, whether earned or not.
3.0.1 Rules of Punishment
Punishment of the slave is subject to certain rules designed to protect the slave from intentional abuse or permanent bodily harm (see 4.0.0). Punishment must not incur permanent bodily harm, or the following forms of abuse:

a. Blood may not be drawn at any time. Punishment must stop immediately if blood is drawn
b. Burning the body
c. Drastic loss of circulation
d. Causing internal bleeding
e. Loss of consciousness
f. Withholding of any necessary materials, such as food, water, or sunlight for extended periods of time

4.0.0 Permanent Bodily Harm
Since the body of the slave now belongs to the master , it is the master's responsibility to protect that body from permanent bodily harm. Should the slave ever come to permanent bodily harm during the course of punishment or in any other slavery related activity, whether by intention or accident, it will be grounds for immediate termination of this contract, should the slave so desire. Permanent bodily harm shall be determined as:

a. Death
b. Any damage that involves loss of mobility or function, including broken bones.
c. Any permanent marks on the skin, including scars, burns, or tattoos, unless accepted by the slave .
d. Any loss of hair, unless accepted by the slave .
e. Any piercing of the flesh which leaves a permanent hole, unless accepted by the slave .
f. Any diseases that could result in any of the above results, including sexually transmitted diseases.

5.0.0 Others
The slave may not seek any other master or lover or relate to others in any sexual or submissive way without the master's permission. To do so will be considered a breach of contract, and will result in extreme punishment. The master may accept other slaves or lovers, but must consider the slave's emotional response to such actions and act accordingly. Under no circumstance should the master allow such actions to unbalance the slave emotionally, or allow such actions to result in ignoring the slave . The master may give the slave to other masters, provided the rules of this contract are upheld. In such a situation, the master will inform the new master of the provisions stated herein, and any breach by the new master will be considered a breach by the master as well, subject to all rules stated in this contract.
6.0.0 Secrecy
All physical evidence of the slavery will be kept in total secrecy, except where both master and slave agree. Any violation of this clause shall be cause to terminate this contract, should the injured party wish it. The materials and physical evidence shall be kept under lock and key in a place acceptable to both parties.
7.0.0 Alteration of Contract
This contract may not be altered, except when both master and slave agree. If the contract is altered, the new contract shall be printed and signed, and then the old contract must be destroyed.
8.0.0 Termination of Contract
This contract may be terminated at any time by the master , but never by the slave, except under special conditions explained within this contract. Upon termination, all physical evidence of the slavery, including this contract, will be destroyed, and all materials and belongings shall belong to the master , to be shared or kept as they see fit. The slave , owning nothing and having agreed to give up all worldly possessions and body to the master , shall once again own their body, but nothing else, unless the master decides to give back their possessions.
9.0.0 Slave's Signature
I have read and fully understand this contract in its entirety. I agree to give everything I own to my master, and further accept their claim of ownership over my physical body. I understand tha I will be commanded and trained and punished as a slave, and I promise to be true and to fulfill the pleasures and desires of my master to the best of my abilities. I understand that I cannot withdraw from this contract except as stated in this contract.
Signature:____________
9.0.1 Master's Signature
I have read and fully understand this contract in its entirety. I agree to accept this slave as my property, body and possessions, and to care for them to the best of my ability. I shall provide for their security and well-being and command them, train them, and punish them as a slave. I understand the responsibility implicit in this arrangement, and agree that no harm shall come to the slave as long as they are mine. I further understand that I can withdraw from this contract at any time.
Signature:____________
There are many frightening stories on the web about drastic measures taken to end M/s relationships. Let's set the legal part (e.g. slavery is against the law) aside for now. We'll pretend we're in a perfect world. Are there protocols, for lack of a better word, in your relationship for if/when one or the other of you wants out? What are they? And what if the owner doesn't want to let go of the slave? How do you handle it then?
In our relationship, I'm to beg release or beg to be given/sold to someone else (or both). It's then in Master's hands and I must (and will) abide by His decision. I don't foresee that happening, ever. I enjoy belonging to Him. But at the same time, it seems like a necessary evil, having a set system in place.
The short answer is that I'm a slave. What does it matter if I like the person who owns me as a person so long as I'm pleasing and obey him?
While I seriously hope that doesn't happen, there's always the possibility. There's also always the chance that Master would intentionally sell me to someone I really don't want to belong to (not that I think He would, but as I've said before you can't always know how a person will react to things, no matter how well you think you know them). That's His prerogative. He didn't ask His camera who it wanted to belong to when He sold it to His friend. Why should He ask me who I want to belong to?
However, as a slave, I would behave just as He would expect me to behave for Him. I would work to adapt to my new owner's rules and preferences and show him that I am well trained and worth the money he spent on me. And if things seriously were not going to work out, I would follow whatever protocol my new owner had in place, if any, in an attempt to move on to a new owner.
I've prepared myself, however, with the understanding that most people who trade in human flesh do not leave room for their property to "escape". They also do not buy/own property with the expectation of a loving relationship. Right now, I'm fortunate. Of my own free will I chose to submit to my owner and we love each other. But I am property and I might not always be so fortunate.
~rayne
Insatiable Desire
Edit: I forgot to mention that Master also retains the right to refuse to pass me on or release me, hence forcing me to remain. While this is against society's law, when I entered this relationship it was with the understanding that I no longer abide by society's law if it does not mesh with Master's law.
This checklist should be filled out by a sub and provided to their Dom/Top before playing with them. This will provide a quick "head-start" to identifying limits, negotiating and finding common ground for play. Dominants may wish to work through the checklist, to get a better handle on their specific interests. Switches should go through the checklist twice; one person's Dom and sub interests may be very different.
For each item, you need to provide two answers:
• For experience, write YES or NO next to each item to indicate if you have ever DONE that activity. Mark N/A if it does not apply to your gender.
• For willingness, indicate for each item how you feel about DOING that activity by rating it on a scale of NO or 0 to 5.
o "?" means you don't understand what the item is attempting to describe.
o NO means you will NOT do that item under any circumstances (a hard limit).
o 0 (zero) indicates you have utterly no desire to do that activity and don't like doing it (in fact, may loath it) and would ordinarily object to doing it, but you would permit the Dominant to do it if it they really wanted it. (sometimes called a "soft limit").
o 1 means you don't want to do or like to do this activity, but wouldn't object if it was asked of you.
o 2 means you are willing to do this activity, but it has no special appeal for you.
o 3 means you usually like doing this activity, at least on an irregular / occasional basis.
o 4 means you like doing this activity, and would like to experience it on a regular basis.
o 5 means the activity is a wild turn-on for you, and you would like it as often as possible.
• Mark with an asterisk (*) those items which you are willing to do only with your current sex partner(s), but not with casual play partners.
• Note any additional information or nuances which might be important for your Dom to know in the margin to the right. For example under diapers you might wish to distinguish between "wetting" and "soiling".
There is intentionally some overlap between categories. Unless otherwise stated, the Sub is the recipient/target of the activity.
Abrasion :
Age play :
Anal sex :
Anal plugs (small) :
Anal plugs (large) :
Anal plug (public, under clothes):
Animal roles :
Arm & leg sleeves (armbinders) :
Aromas :
Asphyxiation :
Auctioned for charity :
Ball stretching :
Bathroom use control :
Bestiality :
Beating (soft) :
Beating (hard) :
Blindfolds :
Being serviced (sexual) :
Being bitten :
Breast/chest bondage :
Breath control :
Branding :
Boot worship :
Bondage (light) :
Bondage (heavy) :
Bondage (multi-day) :
Bondage (public, under clothing) :
Breast whipping :
Brown showers (scat) :
Cages (locked inside of) :
Caning :
Castration fantasy :
Catheterization :
Cattle prod (electrical toy) :
Cells/Closets (locked inside of) :
Chains :
Chamber-pot use :
Chastity belts :
Chauffeuring :
Choking :
Chores (domestic service) :
Clothespins :
Cock rings/straps :
Cock worship :
Collars (worn in private) :
Collars (worn in public) :
Competitions (with other subs) :
Corsets (wearing casually) :
Corsets (trained waist reduction):
Cross-dressing :
Cuffs (leather) :
Cuffs (metal) :
Cutting :
Diapers (wearing) :
Diapers (wetting) :
Diapers (soiling) :
Dilation :
Dildoes :
Double penetration :
Electricity :
Enemas (for cleansing) :
Enemas (retention/punishment) :
Enforced chastity :
Erotic dance (for audience) :
Examinations (physical) :
Exercise (forced/required) :
Exhibitionism (friends) :
Exhibitionism (strangers) :
Eye contact restrictions :
Face slapping :
Fantasy abandonment :
Fantasy rape :
Fantasy gang-rape :
Fear (being scared) :
Fisting (anal) :
Fisting (vaginal) :
Flame play :
Following orders :
Food play (cucumbers, sorbet...) :
Foot worship :
Forced bedwetting :
Forced dressing :
Forced eating :
Forced homosexuality :
Forced heterosexuality :
Forced masturbation :
Forced nudity (private) :
Forced nudity (around others) :
Forced servitude :
Forced smoking :
Full head hoods :
Gags (cloth) :
Gags (inflatible) :
Gags (phallic) :
Gags (rubber) :
Gags (tape) :
Gas masks :
Gates of Hell (male) :
Genital sex :
Given away to another Dom (temp) :
Given away to another Dom (perm) :
Golden showers :
Gun play :
Hairbrush spankings :
Hair pulling :
Hand jobs (giving) :
Hand jobs (receiving) :
Harems (serving w/other subs) :
Harnessing (leather) :
Harnessing (rope) :
Having food chosen for you :
Having clothing chosen for you :
Head (give fellatio/cunnilingus) :
Head (rcv fellatio/cunnilingus) :
High heel wearing :
High heel worship :
Homage with tongue (non-sexual) :
Hoods :
Hot oils (on genitals) :
Hot waxing :
Housework (doing) :
Human puppy dog :
Humiliation (private) :
Humiliation (public) :
Hypnotism :