7

[Dept of PMM Castle Life]

POSITIONS
There are a number of positions that slaves are required to know, as indicated in more than one of the various books on "Gor" by John Norman. The most basic are listed here. Some Masters will teach and require others in addition to these basic ones.

nadu: This is the first position a slave is taught. It is the general position of a slave when resting. The slave kneels before the Master or Mistress. The head is held high, but the eyes are downcast. The knees are spread widely, so that the inside of the knees is a space as wide as the shoulders. The shoulders themselves are back with the spine straight (kajirus) or slightly arched (kajira). The breasts are thrust outward. The hands are placed on the thighs, open, with the palms upward. The hips rest on the feet, which are turned in so as to take the weight off the arches. If the slave will be getting up and down often, it is permitted change the position of the feet so that getting up and down can be done gracefully.

bara: This in generally the second position a slave is taught. It is often the first one they experience, because it is the position of capture. It is used for a variety of reasons, sometimes as punishment, sometimes merely for convenience.
The slave lays in the prone position, that is, on the stomach. The wrists are crossed behind the back. The ankles are also crossed, so as to make binding of the hands and feet easy.

lesha: This position and the one following are generally used for transporting slaves, but also have been used as disciplinary tools.

The slave kneels, in a position exactly like "and" except for the following changes: the slave kneels facing away from the Master or Mistress rather than towards them. The chin is lifted and turned to the side to offer the collar for the attachment of a leash. The hands are behind the back with the wrists together as if already in slave bracelets.

bracelets: This position, like lesha, is used for transportation. It is also used when a slave is to be confined for a period of time for chaining them to a ring, etc. Slave rings are common on Gor. Most rooms have several and the beds of Freepersons always have a slave ring attached at the foot of them so that a slave can be kept there at night for warmth or pleasure or both.
This position is generally like nadu and lesha in general form except that the wrists are crossed as if already in slave bracelets. When used for discipline, it is not unusual for the Master or Mistress to leave the slave in this position for quite some time, the slave bracelets used being those "of the mind" and thus both stronger and more telling than the strongest steel.

sula: This position is used for training, discipline or inspection. Generally the slave hopes that it is the first reason.

The slave lays on the back in a supine position, hands at the sides. The palms face upward. The legs are spread widely enough to be inviting without being ungraceful.

SERVES
The purpose of a kajira or kajirus is to serve. In Real Life, which it is hopes is the goal for most who access these pages, this service can take many forms. Some of those that pretend to be Gorean are content to limit their participation to IRC Channels. While this is understandable, it is not Gorean. However, most new Goreans are found via the IRC channel route and this is why the Gorean Foundation exists in this forum.
Given these circumstances, learning to serve like a Gorean kajira or kajirus is ONLY possible through practice, reading (if possible), observation and experience. MANY new slaves copy copy the method and manner of others they see serving. This is NOT an acceptable practice. It demeans the service of the one copying and deprives both the the one it was "borrowed from" and the one who is begin served from genuine thought and creativity. True service can not exist on IRC without creativity and a genuine desire to please. Ask for help from an experienced kajira or kajirus, ask the Tavern Keeper to assist you in finding a "coach"... and practice diligently off channel before you try anything difficult.
Because the copying of the serves of others is to be avoided, we will NOT detail any serves here.

SPECIFIC SLAVE RULES
These Rules apply to Tarn Landing ONLY
Tavern Rule One - Intelligence and Wit are to be Rewarded -- Laxity and Laziness are punished....Rancher's Rule
Tavern Rule Two - Offer the patrons Food as well as Drink. Consult the menu often.
Tavern Rule Three - Popups and Macros In Serving Are to be avoided.
Tavern Rule Four - Since a slave can not serve two masters fully at the same time, she can not be in two channels at the same time. Correct service is always the priority. The EXCEPTION to this Rule is when a slave is in #wildflower which is a part of this channel. #wildflower is the TL slaves R&R and training area...
Tavern Rule Five - Fussing and Fidgeting are to be kept to a minimum. Quiet Beauty, Wit and Charm are preferred to noisy nonsense
Tavern Rule Six - Entry to provide service at TarnLanding does not require permission. Leaving TarnLanding DOES require permission. Just ask for "permission to leave" and it will be granted.
Tavern Rule Seven - The First Girl, jewel{TR} is to be obeyed as if she were Freeperson when a Freeperson, other than Master Bluto, is not present. Her council, even when Freepersons are present, is to be listened to.
Tavern Rule Eight - If you are serving a patron fix your attention on him or her only, otherwise greet those who enter, using Master or Mistress as appropriate. All Freepersons are to be served equally regardless of sex, race, philosophy or planet of origin. Slaves who "pick and choose" WILL be punished.
Tavern Rule Nine - Visiting other Taverns or Inns or other places on Gor carries the risks of those places. Be cautious.
Tavern Rule Ten - Slave Heat is only to be used if the kajira truly WANTS to entice the Master or Mistress. If you display slave heat, be prepared to be used as a slave.
Tavern Rule Eleven - There is a special channel for TarnLanding slaves called #wildflowers. It was a gift from Rancher to his First Girl, jewel{TR}. As a rule, Masters and Mistresses are not allowed there. It is a place for slaves to learn, relax and play.
Tavern Rule Twelve - This rule can only be seen in the room upstairs, #wildflowers.. If you are a kajira or a kajirus, go there and ask
Tavern Rule Thirteen - This rule can only be seen in the room upstairs, #wildflowers. If you are a kajira or a kajirus, go there and ask
Submissive:
There are many ways to be submissive and we have all experienced it in some forms or another from passive to compliant to docile or even meek. Submissive in BDSM community is often referred to as bottom or the opposite of Top or Dominate. I often equate the term to as a “permissive” mean that most often they are consenting (yielding accepting agreeable) unless they state otherwise (hard soft limits safe words all that jazz … limited time for that scene on weekend extra) and in some cases this may be for a measured time to door mate syndrome to a scene to 24/7 way of living. Again in my opinion submissive require much direction and instruction. In some cases they also may be switches or only submissive in certain situation or with certain people. Submissive in my mind is a broad category and has many multi faceted means and complexities depending on the use and person. It is like saying you’re an “Artist” leaving the rest of the world to figure out what that means. One of the unique qualities of this title is that you can be submissive without anyone else’s involvement. In other cases people identify them selves as subbies because they use TPE (Total Power Exchange) type behaviour either full time scenes or play but in my mind it is infringing on the next category and of course the oh so wonderful subspace …which can be achieved during sex and scenes and for the rare few at the hand of their Dom.
Slave:
Likely the most confused title ever used on the web. If you have read any number of profiles on the web you will quickly wonder if slave equals = (door mat, throw toy, pain slut, use, abuses me, for sale … ) again some time ago back slave was used to denote a full time sub who was owed by a Dom in latter day it came to equate many other things such as
having given up all personal say or control ( no safe word, no “no” no limits extra)
Under a contract of sale … this could included a limited time such as 5 months year extra.
Belong to a specific owner again there are many variation depending on culture and context. Generally it is accepted that two people are required owner and owned
It is generally accepted that the properties has little if any rights and say.
The difficulty in slavery is that even in conventional times slavery while an underclass was still in many world settings varying from extremely abusive (see African Americans) to part of the social underclass see (Japanese feudalism) where in slaves were afford many virtues of law and protection within the social structure.
Modern slavery seems to have diverged in to several camps
A. TPE- total power exchange consigning their very identity and say to another for pleasure sub space and fun an extension of their already subbie-hood
B. Those who choose to use it as escapism from life and stress
a) those who no longer wish to be burden with thought what so ever
b) those who wish to be reborn/reformed and feel purposeful to their owner in what ever way they see fit.
c) those who believe their life is already so crappie they might as well be a slave and enjoy the fringe benefits that come with it see (a) see woman-hood and mother-hood extra
C. Exchange of sex and servitude for security (house home steady life style extra) often the financial support of several children and emotional baggage to boot or getting one self out of an undesirable 3rd or 2nd world country.
D. Combination of the above categories.
E. In rare case a truly consensual relationship or life style
Kajira:
Now to the tricky topic … Kajira in the words of it creator is female slave and as is suggested by Norman that all if not most women are submissive or waiting to submit to a Master. The difficult part comes in the form of what is said about the slavery and its many forms in the books and how it has latter translated to the world as a whole. Bear in mind again “Fantasy” made from earths not so distant past mixed with sexuality and creative writing. What has become the meaning of Kajira is the subculture of online and real life mingled with already complexes forms of slavery bondages discipline submission, dominances master, masochism and my favourite D&D wannabes!
Kajira has thus become more elevated then a simple slave posing mystical properties of endless sexual desire and appetite hungering to satisfy middle aged men with monstrous egos weak morals and endless imaginations while hiding out in moms basement. Well that’s how it often appears to be online. When in reality many Kajira are trapped lonely desperate for attention, love and nurturing and willing to trade it for the fantasy offer.
On the other hand Kajira represents a type of life style and expression of Life (YIN creation love desire worth Kwanza devotion/commitment) and can encompass many other elements of BDSM or submission mentioned above or else where. Kajira has over the years transformed to a standard of living ones enslavement both spiritually and physically having taken the elements of fiction and adding the colourful and erotic imagery of the novels to produces a meaningful life beyond kink or pure sexuality one that is more hedonistic and one hopes more rewarding enriched then mere presumed slavery (working nag) implied by meaning of slave that of mere property enforced capture or expendable o (zero blank).
I often compare Kajira to the willow ward girls or Geisha the courtesans quarters because there is much more complexity to the expectations and training of a girl then is implied in normal kink like roles this does not mean that other girls do not get trained simple the expectation of training if any will vary on the owner and was primarily sexually orientated… where as on claiming to be Kajira much like Geisha infers on some level a standard of training and expectation and of course with any sane person at the helm some expectation of variance in accordance to real world view of life. For example while karta (a none Gorean word which is now a cyberism everywhere) is often used not many master would expect a girl to crawl on the floors dirt extra … (Blue foamy’s are our friend on Gorean event weekends) and unless you plan to spend many day in jail no one going to get away with wiping and or beating a girl like they describe in savage lands. Hello reality check ….
Differences between Subbies/ Slaves/ Kajira: (MHO)
While as note above there is some slight distinction of the categories here are several key points that make in my mind a difference between slaves and Kajira out side of the obvious choice of personal identity and goes beyond obedience Positions Serves Dances
A Good Kajira?
1. A girl needs to be able to think on her feet and make basic sound decision - this includes:
a) Being able to read others moods and needs and making an offer of use that are appropriate EG. instead of can I bring you some thing to drink … or even worst being order to do it rather the offering do to do it (typical required of a slave) a girl should “we have x and it is chilled I know its your favourite or perhaps some thing else like z…” this requires skill and knowledge plus some amount of desire to it rather then having to do it…
b) Doing task without direction or specific orders in advance (ones post is entrusted) that of being pleasing useful and supportive… and while one is not expected to be a mind reader ones stock value goes up exponentially if your able to do things without supervision.
c) Use a girls creative talents to express in every way her intents and desires. This comes across in body language, style speech action and deeds.
2. Most girls are expected to be transparent:
That is to share every aspect of their soul and being good and bad often in writing, poetry, singing dance and personal expression.
3. Seek to improve ones station and quality:
To develop skills which enhance the life of the home this includes emotional spiritual and physical abilities as well as to serve those around with similar passion and desire.
4. Being release and begging a Collar… a tradition not often followed but in reality many homes on and off line allow a girl to beg a master for his mark or to be released if no longer satisfied something which is generally not practiced in other traditions.
This leads to the final point of course… Masters
This leads to an even more difficult task of explain the differences between BDSM and Kajira and the difference between Masters Mistress and Doms / Dommes.
Fantasy Myth Legend … What is in the name of a Master
Given the fantasy elements and the crossover of BDSM and other fetishes it is far harder to nail down exact qualities which define Gorean Master’s then that of any other traditions if in fact one can accepted or escape a “fantasy view”. I will simple say in short that there are several qualities included and excluded the rest is a matter of taste and common sense as it is total unrealistic to expect that a Gorean can live by Gor standards on earth . Such debates as to weather a girl is supported in the home or can work and weather one shares his women or whips them at the home stone post becomes a matter of your personal beliefs and taste. What seems to me that distinguishes the Gorean from BDSM is this they don’t stop being Gorean when the light comes on or when the dungeon is closed. They don’t tend to enjoy inflicting pain or being harsh for its own sake and generally speaking ascribe to some code credo that falls out side the realm of kink or sexual orientation or dominance be it natural order knighthood and chivalry or earth based religions. After all if Master’s do not want cookie cutter girls why should master all be the same?
This raises a very difficult problem of identity because often for many they are neither Dom/Master nor Gorean and yet seek to find like mind among the layers of fantasy and reality….I would suggest that many who identify as some thing other than BDSM are seeking a lifestyle outside the realm of fantasy and the bedroom many in the “Gorean way” find compatibility with ritual, protocol and practices a closes tie to these fantasy books because they are taken from a not so distant paganic point of view that gives a frame work far more practical and clear than simple scene. Just so many Dom would claim it is also a mind set they have on a day to day bases.
In the final analysis it comes to this be sure you can separate fantasy from fact and the myths and lies presented online from the person practices and daily living routine modern day alternative life style is no more consensual living of understood rules limits boundaries and expectations given fancy names and labels.
I. Eight Points for Socializing
1. Don't assume...
Making assumptions is dangerous enough in the vanilla world. It's more so in the scene. BDSM is something most of us have fantasized about for a long time before we are introduced to its reality. Until then our concept of BDSM is more often based on works of fiction like Pauline Reage's Story of O, Ann Rice's "Beauty" Trilogy, or John Norman's "Gor" series rather than the non-fiction guides like S&M 101 by Jay Wiseman or Learning the Ropes by Race Bannon. It's easy to build up an elaborate fantasy that doesn't really prepare us for the mundane "normal" reality of ordinary people forming real human relationships.
If you are just getting involved it's good to take a low key approach. Start by finding out what's expected of you and what you can expect. Attend socials, meet people, observe, and ask questions. Get to know people on a human level without concerning yourself too much with roles.
Don't assume you have to be dressed in a $500 designer latex catsuit to fit in. The models in O>> and Taste of Latex are not representative of the scene where I play. The players I know come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and orientations. As Ani DiFranco sings "You don't have to be a super model to do the animal thang." BDSM doesn't have to be about conspicuous consumption and outrageous fashion statements. It can be -- if that's your kink -- but it doesn't have to be.
So how should you dress? It depends on the function. For SAS/M socials in public restaurants we only ask that you not wear anything objectionable like a transparent blouse or an exposed thong. We would like to be welcomed back by the restaurant's management. Otherwise you're welcome to dress creatively. Cernunus likes to wear a military school jacket and black latex pants. (I've heard that other groups in other states prefer that you dress as vanilla as possible. Some people are afraid to be identified as being a "pervert." If they're seen associating with "leather clad bikers" and scantily clad "exotic dancers" the word might get out. When in doubt, dress like you're going to a PTA meeting.) For parties, dress for your own enjoyment or for the pleasure of your significant other. Just be sure to wear something over your more "inspired" clothing when you're outside our party space.
Don't assume someone you've never meet is there for your pleasure. That "buffet attitude" insults everyone. It dismisses the "Entree's" prerogative, loyalty, and ability to choose. It also says something about the offender's self-confidence. He is relying on an assumed role rather than his own merits and abilities to find a partner.
Submission is a gift. The submissive chooses the Dom/me. (I'm from a school of thought that every thing the Top does should secretly be for the benefit of the submissive. I try to please my partners and reward their expectations. As Princess Krista is fond of saying "Topping is the ultimate act of submission.") [editor's note: for an article that presents another viewpoint on the "submission is a gift" school of thought, you can read "The Gift Theory" online here.]
Don't assume that BDSM is always sexual. BDSM is not synonymous with swinging, swapping, or Polyamoury -- although it's possible for it to co-exist with these lifestyles. A BDSM relationship can consist entirely of kinky role playing and sex or have no sexual involvement at all. Just remember: You don't have to have sex if you're playing with someone.
The greater BDSM scene consists of a lot of contrasting traditions (Old Guard, Gorean, Biblical, etc.,) The rules for any one tradition generally don't apply to the rest. There is no one true path. The closest that most of us agree on is that play should be safe, sane, and consensual.
2. Be honest with others...
I feel sorry for those people who didn't know they were into S&M before they got married but I don't have sympathy for someone who lies about having a spouse or forgets to mention it. Don't involve anyone in a non consensual act of adultery.
If you are a novice looking for a someone to play with let them know you are new to the scene. Everyone has to start somewhere. Being a novice does not make you a bad player but lying about your level of experience is dangeous for everyone. Your partners have the right and need to know how experienced you are.
3. Be honest with yourself about what you want...
If you are entering the scene to experience physical pain then you are a masochist or at least masochistic. If you wish to serve someone then you are submissive. It's possible to be both or only one but you must recognize what you want out of the experience and present yourself accordingly. The same can be said for dominance and sadism. Tell your potential partners what you want -- whether it's sensation or servitude or both. Subs, please don't "top from below" by agreeing to submit to someone just so that you can force them to punish you (unless you know for a fact you both enjoy that sort of discipline.) Those types of subs are dismissed as S.A.M.s (Smart Assed Masochist) Someone once said "Never put a top in a position where they have to prove something."
The tastes in the scene are wide and varied. It's full of sadists, masochists, dominants, submissives and every combination of the four. There is someone for you whatever your proclivities.
4. Don't touch without permission...
This seems like a bigger irritant in our scene than in society as a whole. I know a lot of Dommes who get notably irritated when someone touches them, their toys, or their subs without permission. I once saw a novice Dom/me make an enemy for life by reaching over to touch a woman's hand and ask "are you a sub or a Domme?" He found out the hard way.
5. Don't come on too strong...
There's a natural tendency to confuse the role of the dominant with "being dominant." You don't have to be over bearing to be a dominant. (Neither do you have to be a welcome mat to be a submissive.) It's possible to be polite and dominant. As Oscar Wilde writes "A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally." A low key approach is better when meeting someone new.
SAS/M is a social group. It's not a dating service. Although we hope people find like minded partners at our socials we don't want to encourage a "meat market" atmosphere. If you're unconcerned in getting to know people you won't have much success finding someone to with whom to play. Can someone feel safe with a Dom/me who isn't interested in who they play with or their needs?
Don't be pushy: Don't coerce. Don't force your attentions on someone who doesn't want them. This sends a seriously bad message: No one wants to play with someone who is too pushy. Submissives can't trust a coercive Dom/me. If the Dom/me won't accept a submissive's "no" in the public setting is it likely the Dom/me will accept the limits of an isolated, bound, defenseless submissve in bondage?
6. Be discreet...
This is a very private part of people's lives. If word gets out it could cost someone their lively hood, their standing in the community, and even custody of their children. Don't talk about someone else's activities in BDSM to anyone outside our community that doesn't have a right and need to know. SAS/M takes privacy very seriously. We have revoked membership over the matter.
7. Respect alternatives...
Remember...homophobia, racism, and BDSM don't mix.
8. Discourage negative behavior...
This is everyone's responsibility. Subs - please stand up for yourselves or at least report inappropriate behavior. Dom/mes - report inappropriate behavior to the munch (or event) facilitators.

II. Negotiating Play
It's best to forgo play until are parties have negotiated as completely as possible. Although it's the submissive's responsibility to safeword when he/she reach his/her limits, it's also the top's responsibility to watch the submissive's reactions. Many submissives are -- for lack of a better term -- submissive. They find it difficult to object even when it's their prerogative. The good top has to keep this in mind. He needs to pay attention to how a submissive is reacting. He also shouldn't spring surprises on a new submissive. Everything the submissive hasn't specifically objected to is not by default permitable. If the Dom/me and submissive have hurriedly negotiated a flogging scene, the Dom/me hasn't brought up the subject of amputation, and the submissive hasn't thought to list it as a limit, that doesn't give the top cart blanche to bring out his surgical equipment.
Use safe words such as "yellow," "red," or "safeword." When the submissive reaches his/her limits, he/she should be able to call out the safe word. At that point, it's the Top's obligation to stop the scene.

III. Party Rules
Most of the parties I've attended have similar rules. I've included some Sample Party Rules (from my site's "Community Service" section).
In some ways a Play Party can be a lot like a Ball Room Dance as one passage from Jane Austin's Northhanger Abbey demonstrates.

IV. Flagging (not flogging)
Flagging refers to non-verbal signals that serve as very specific cues in the scene. Most of them originated from the "old guard" Gay leather scene of the 40's and 50's.
Keys: Keys on the left represent dominance. Keys on the right represent submissiveness. (For more on this see the Glossaries section of the menu on the left).

Hanky code: Even today the hanky code is used in Gay leather bars to signal interest or specialization in particular sexual practices. My site includes a very extensive Hanky Code. (And of course there is the Complete Unabridged Hanky Code).
Collars: Wearing a collar is a sign of submission to an individual Dom/me. Sometimes it can be temporary, as when the Dom/me puts it on a submissive before a scene and then takes it off when the play is over. Usually it's a sign of the Dom/me's permanent ownership as when the submissive accepts it as a gift and wears it even when they are not playing. On the other hand I've read where a submissive looking for a Dom/me will wear a collar with the lock hanging open as a sign that she's available.
Hypothetically it's considered very bad form for a top to speak to a collared sub without the owner's permission. Although I haven't seen this tradition adhered to very much in Central Texas, I strongly urge serious consideration before speaking to a collared sub. You might very easily offend someone who follows the old guard protocols.

V. Go On...
This essay is only meant to be a starting point. There's much more for all of us to learn. Do your part.
Don't learn passively -- don't expect someone to teach you. That attitude shows you consider your time to be more valuable than the mentor who teaches you. Once upon a time, so we are told, all novices were mentored into the mysterious and confusing ways of BDSM. Good for them. Today, so I've found, things are different. Sex is not as dirty a subject as it once was but at the same time promiscuous sex is more dangerous. People are sexually more adventurous but they can't afford to exchange bodily fluids with as many partners as they would in a world without AIDS and other STDs. Many are exploring BDSM to satisfy their need for novel love play. Consequently, the influx of novices in the scene is huge. The more established players don't have the resources to "mentor" all the novices individually.
(I don't want to discourage anyone from asking questions. I am only suggesting that novices make more of an effort to learn than show up at their first BDSM event, turn to someone, and say "I'm here -- teach me everything about BDSM but make it snappy. I've got to get home in time to watch 'Melrose Place.'" What does that say about that the novice's self discipline and respect for others?)
So how is a novice to learn? Fortunately, the truth is out there, available through various resources:
Web sites like Ambrosio's BDSM Site (plug plug http://www.io.com/~ambrosio/ ). For eager new submissives I recommend Jay Wiseman's "Ten Tips for the Novice, Single, Heterosexual, Submissive Woman" and Ms. Margo's "Three Essays on Finding a Domme". Although Mr. Wiseman's essay is targeted to women and Ms. Margo's articles are targeted to men, both articles are beneficial to submissives of either sex (as well a Dom/mes.)

Books. While Web sites are an easily available source of information, books are better. They go into more depth and you can carry them around and loan them to friends who don't have computers. View the "Books for Beginners" section on Ambrosio's BDSM Site.

S&M 101 seminars. The larger cities are likely to have a group or business that sponsors "S&M 101" lectures.

Educational groups like the National Leather Association. It seems to me that these groups are not as well represented as the social groups. That's a shame because they provide a very important resource to the community: year round education in techniques and safety. They usually have a business meeting and educational program once a month. In addition some of them, such as NLA: Austin, provide an entire weekend of classes once a year.

Social Groups like GWNN or SAS/M. The educational groups are a better resource for practical knowledge but you can learn something of value from attending social groups. Just remember to take what you hear with a grain of salt. Opinions are like belly buttons, (almost) everyone has one.
Ultimately, however, we are responsible for our own education. So in summary -- play nice. BDSM is about playing games and in the best games everyone has fun.
MAKE MS. MANNERS PROUD OF YOU - THE BASICS
A. Before we chose to join the leather tribe, we all were first and foremost human beings. We learned that in order to survive we all had to learn to live together and be polite to and tolerant of each other. Rules like "Do unto Others as You Would Have Them Do unto You," and "If You Can't Say Something Nice about a Person, Don't Say Anything at All" may seem cliché and irrelevant in the times in which we live. The truth is, those old lessons from childhood still are meaningful in SM relationships. All those things your momma taught you about good behavior and manners apply just as aptly to the scene as to a fancy dress ball.
B. We have all been through the ordeal of the dating ritual. Some of us are better at it than others, but basically the techniques are all about the same. If we feel attracted to another, we don't go up to that person and just take what we want or demand "On your back, baby." We try to be nice, friendly. We start a conversation and get to know each other. We do the mating dance.
The same holds true for the scene. We do not live in the pages of a fantasy. Just because a person's sexual identity may be as Dom/me or sub, does not negate the rest of the person. Most people in the scene prefer to be approached by potential playmates as people first - not as their sexual roles.
Do not make assumptions - you could be wrong. Some tops wear dressy collars as part of a scene outfit. A woman in a collar is not necessarily anxious for you to walk up to her and say "On you knees, bitch, " whether she is top or bottom. Use your vanilla dating senses when attempting to meet someone in the scene. Maybe "What's your sign?" isn't the right approach, but "Will you whip me , Mistress" isn't either.
How would you approach someone at a bar or a college mixer? Try that. "Hi, my name is Rose," followed by some opening small talk still works for me. Everyone loves to be flattered, use that. "Hi, my name is Rose and I've been coveting that lovely corset you're wearing. Where did you get it?" Break the ice; don't bang her over the head.
A most important element of scene etiquette is discretion. Most of us have to live in the "real" world and our scene identities may be something we must keep separate from our professional identities. What we see and hear at leather organization meetings, or play parties should stay there. Don't take it on the street.
At Black Rose, we do not use last names to help protect the identity of those who prefer anonymity. Certainly some people exchange real names, but we urge all our attendees to keep that knowledge to themselves. Being in Washington, DC, we get visited by many people in political jobs and in sensitive military positions. Discretion may be more important to us than in other communities, but protecting others from harm we can cause by opening our mouths at the wrong time is simply the right thing to do anywhere.
How would you feel if you were walking down the street to lunch with a client, or your boss or your mom and someone from the last Black Rose meeting came up to you and said, "Hi, I really loved watching you get caned last week. You were black and blue and crying so beautifully! You are such a SLUT!" As a courtesy to other members of the community whom you do not know well enough to know if you will be offending or endangering, keep what you see and hear at scene events out of the eyes and ears of the vanilla world. Until you know it is alright with the other person to discuss the scene with his/her friends and associates, be discrete.
If I chose to give you my name and number, it is for you only unless I give you permission to give it to others. Respect this. If someone calls and asks you for my number, say "Why don't you give me yours and I'll ask her to call you?"
I witnessed a nasty little exchange one night early in my years at Black Rose. A man approached a female friend as we were talking and, after politely waiting for a chance, asked my friend for her telephone number. As she was giving it to him, I noticed a man standing behind us writing it down also. When I pointed this out, my friend almost bit this rude dude's head off. And he deserved it. Do not take advantage of others. Because I give my personal information to another and you just happen to overhear it does not give you the right to use it. If you do, nine times out of ten you will be sorry that you did. People do not take kindly to such behavior.
LEATHER MEETINGS ETIQUETTE
A. Certain rules of behavior apply to scene events, just as certain rules of behavior apply to events in other cultures.
When Black Rose began, the ratio of males to females was almost 15-1. Any female walking in the door was either thrilled with the odds or intimated by all the come- ons she endured. Nowadays our ratio is much closer to 1-1, but the past has taught us some important lessons - lessons applicable to all the sexes and the all the combinations thereof.
Be aware of the concept known as "my space" - that zone around ourselves which we hold sacred. Give a newcomer space to get comfortable with the group, the setting, all the new faces, before pouncing. We have way too much experience with "Vultures." These are men and women who have to be the first one to hit on every newbie who walks in the door. Getting that reputation in a small community will make you persona non grata quickly.
We all have our quirks and we don't all like each other. Instinctively we tend to feel good or bad about another person almost immediately. Either our pheromones activate or we turn off. If you make a good approach and get a favorable response, great. Continue. But if s/he isn't interested?
Take no for answer. Doing so graciously may turn that "no" into a maybe another time. Even if you love being humiliated, if the Domme you approach spurns you, go away. You will not ingratiate yourself to her by humbly begging at her feet for her attentions. Her additional invective might thrill you; it is not meant to urge you on but, rather, away from her. Get the message before she asks a DM or an officer to make you leave.
Merely because one person rejects your offer does not mean you will never find anyone to play with you. Sometimes the chemistry is simply wrong. Accept that. Go on and try again.
If you are the rejecter, be gracious as well. There is no need to humiliate someone for trying politely. If you mean no, don't be afraid to say it; but if you are busy and might be interested later, let that be known.
B. Everyone wants the "popular" man or woman. At meetings these folks are usually surrounded by people who want attention. Wait your turn. If s/he is speaking with someone else, use your common sense and don't interrupt. I have, regrettably, been less than patient with several ill-mannered men in this category.
Don't castigate someone for not knowing your sexual orientation. We can't all look at a person and know if s/he is gay, straight, bi. If you must reject someone for being of the wrong sex, do it kindly.
When you approach someone, introduce yourself - not your role. Speak to the person, not her/his role. At meetings, most people are not "in scene," and even if someone is, you have no obligation to react to him/her as if you were in the opposite role. Submissives are not required nor expected to be submissive to every dominant in the room. Don't expect it if you are a top and don't feel obligated to do it if you are a bottom.
Men, not every woman in the room wants to be your dominant. Until otherwise requested (and if you consent to do so), you needn't address every woman as Mistress. In this situation, my friend says, "I am not your Mistress. I haven't earned that respect from you, nor have I taken you as my submissive. Don't call me that."