The Sacred Coffee Ritual by Rev. Carol A. Ingle (Raven)

[Dept of PMM Artists & things]

The Sacred Coffee Ritual

Materials required:

* On the altar there are brown candles
* a a big round cake, eat around as much of it, until it has the form of a hammer
* a small glass with milk in it
* a small dish with a little bit of sugar
* a small dish instant coffee (Nescafé) and a spoon

You need a Handmaiden, a Priest and a Priestess, if you can't lease one or two, you can incorporate all yourself or build two Zombies to assist you.

CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE:

Hold the cake hammer above the coffee powder and say:

"Coffee Powder, where thou art cast No Tea or worse in thy presence last. Let no other drinks adhere to me And as I will. Hail!"

Hold the cake hammer above the milk and the sugar and say:

"Sugar and milk, where thou art cast
mix yourself with the coffee fast,
Let the good thing then come to me,
together make it a delicious hot coffee!"

CAST A CIRCLE, A SQUARE OR ANY OTHER TWO DIMENSIONAL FIGURE

(If you're able to create it four- or fifth dimensional...that'll work even better.)

CALL THE QUARTERS, waving all the time with the cakehammer:

"Cookies of the East,
Fluffy ones!
Great prince of the palace of hunger.
Be present, we pray thee,
And guard this drawn Place from all moochers Approaching
from the East."

"Sugar of the South,
Sweetest One!
Great princess of the palace decadence.
Be present we pray thee,
and guard this Place from all diet Approaching from
the South."

"Coffee of the West,
Satisfying One!
Great prince of the palace of thirst.
Be present we pray thee,
And guard this Place from all carob Approaching from
the West."

"Creamy Milky of the North,
White One!
Great prince of the palace of Cowship.
Be present we pray thee,
And guard this place from all cheap imitations Approaching
from the North."

MAIN RITUAL:

HANDMAIDEN

(Henceforth known as the CoffeeCreamMiss):

"Listen to the words of the Gods of Coffee; who were of old called; Tchibo, Ethel M, Sara Lee, Nestle, Douwe Egberts, and by many other names:"

Priest:

"Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while and better it be when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a great public place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who is Caffeina, Goddess of all Goodies.

In the Mall shall you assemble, you who have eaten all your cookies and drunk all your coffee and are thirsty and hungry for more.

To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue and taste.

And you shall be free from depression, and as a sign that you are truly free, you shall have coffee in your nose and mouth, and you shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises, all in my presence.

For mine is the ecstasy of Coffee in, and mine is also the Joy on Earth, yea, even into High Orbit for my law is "Drink it out or die."

Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always, let none stop you aside. For mine is the secret that opens your mouth, and mine is the taste that puts a smile on your lips and comfy padding pounds on your hips.

We are the Gracious Gods who gives the gift of joy unto the tummies of men and women. Upon earth, we give knowledge of all things delicious, and beyond death.......well, we can't do much there. Sorry about that.

We demand only your money in sacrifice; for behold, coffee is a business and you have to pay for the precious coffee beans before you use them.

CoffeeCreamMiss:

"Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the dust of whose feet are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks and finer stores everywhere:

I, who am the beauty of coffee beans, and the satisfying softness of the second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth cup of Murk, the mystery of how to make the most delicious coffee, and fill the hearts of all but Celts and Romans with desire, call unto thy soul to arise and come unto me.

For I am the soul of coffee; from me do all confections spring, and unto me all of you shall return, again....and again....and again...... and again.

Before my thirsty face, beloved of Women and Men, thine innermost divine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose.

Let my taste be within thy mouth that rejoices. For behold, all acts of yumminess and pleasure are my rituals. Therefore let there be goodeyness and mess, irish coffee, coffee of Vienna, coffee liquor and many other kinds of coffee brands all within you.

And you who think to seek me, know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not unless you know the Mystery; "We shall sell no coffee until you pay for it."

For behold; I have been with you since you were just a baby, and I am that which is attained at nearly any shop in the land.

All C-Beans Hail.

CoffeeCreamMiss:

"Hear now the words of the God of Coffee, who was called Espresso, Lungo, Starbuck, Café-au-lait and by many other names.

Priest:

"I am the strength of the Cofee Bean, and the peice that fell on the floor, but looks like it might not have gotten too dirty, and the deepest bitterness of Strong Coffee. No matter how you try to resist the call of Coffee, I will hunt you out and I will become your sacred prey. I am the warmth of hot Coffee in the dead of winter, and the call of the road that leads you to that really expensive Godiva store downtown.

I give you my creatures, the fire of love of Coffee, the power of jaw strength to wait until the Hot Coffee is Drinkable, and the shelter every Product that contains Coffee in.

You are dear to me, and I instill in you my power of a Cup of Coffee that you had forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight with which you can spot a Coffee Bean a mile away.

By the powers of the hottest black Coffee in the glorious sun, I charge you, by the darkest and strongest Coffee ever possible, tempered (if you wish) with a dash of Delicate creamy Milk, I charge you, and by the beauty of a perfectly made Arabica Coffee, I charge you.

Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you but nobley listen if thou are following the Way of Coffee.

The wealth in your pocket can buy you treats that a Germanic king would envy. Take joy in that first drink of Caffeine emulsified Coffee, and in the last satisfying slurp of it. Yet you must be wary of deciet. Drink not of that which is called "Coffee Substitute" for it is vile and bitter and cheap and evil and more.

Lastly, always remember not to empty the pot of coffee completely before you leave. Be not greedy, but let yourself be known as a connoisseur. Leave a little for the unexpected guest.... remember, it could be Thor or Loki or Odin, or Me.

We am with you always, just over your shoulder, or around the next corner. We are the Lords of Coffee, and when you have reached the end of your hoard, I will never be farther away from you that that 7-Eleven on the corner. I am the spirit of the Wild Child; the Inner Child who can never get quite enough. If you are a true Coffee lover, then your soul and mine are intertwined.

CUPCAKES AND HAMMER:

(The blessing of the Cookies)

Priest:

Be it known that milk in your Coffee is not better than Black coffee.

Priestess:

Nor is Black Coffee better than Milk Coffee.

Priest:

For both are better than the falsely named "Coffeinless Coffee."

Priestess:

And neither one is carob.

Priest:

As the frosting is to the cupcake.

Priestess:

So the creamy Milk is better than Milkpowder.

BOTH:

And when you drink the Coffee and eat the Cookies, they are yummy in truth, for there is no greater snack in all the world than the ones made to accompany the Coffee..

Priest:

Frosting is keen,

Priestess:

And the frosting is neat.

BOTH:

Great Gods! Let's eat and drink!

Feasting and drinking (coffee liquer, if possible), music and dance.

Dismiss Quarters and Candles.

Just kick them out, screaming as loud as possible (you may use microphones)

"Coffeeeeeeeeeeee."

Prepare your coffee yet...... if you didn't already prematurely... smell it, drink it sloooowley and enjoy it.

(Instant coffee is used here, because of the time needed for the ritual, you may not have time enough to grind the beans and brew a fine coffee. Never mind.

After all the quarters and candles have been dismissed, give a final, satisfying belch at the East and eat the cake-Hammer.

Close circle / Square or whatever as you would close your door... alternatively you can burn it.