Chili Cook-Off

[Rev. Allen M. Drago ~ Traveler]

Don't blame me I thought it was funny



If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no

hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as

relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.. If you pay attention

to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even

better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how

true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time

Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking

lot at the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced

Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .



Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a

chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last

moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table,

asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came

in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the

chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I

could have free beer! during the tasting, so I accepted and

became Judge 3.'



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You

could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to

put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are

crazy.



CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure

what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two

people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to

rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose

feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine

by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on

the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm

getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for

fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was

unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,

the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300

lb. woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste

I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,

adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must

admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead

and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind

me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told

her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my

tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the

pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me

off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance

of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,

garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with

gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and

I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined

to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore.

I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.



CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned

peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can

of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I

am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of

distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and

I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world

sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with

chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of

lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know

what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful.

Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll

just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not

too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither

mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3

farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top

of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller,

wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

[Vampiress]

Rolling on the Floor Laughing my Ass Off....
Oh My..... hehehehehhehehehehehhe....
If I can find the one I have, we can compare notes..... hehehehhe