CON SUITE is here!

We've been playing sci-fi 'Cons for about seven years now, and we're always delighted by the motley collection of denizens that make these parties such a blast! That's the inspiration for our latest creation, "Con Suite" -- a collection of a dozen tracks of side-splitting comedy and sheer insanity. From Potter to Star Trek, tree-huggers to vampires, we've got songs to make you laugh 'til you cry...

We are releasing this CD at Dragon*Con 2007 in Atlanta, and we expect to have it available online around mid-September.

 

Lyrics

 

Chocolate Frog © 2007 Emerald Rose

I got called down to Dumbledore ' s office
I got in trouble for a spell gone bad
I got pickled by a Polyjuice Potion
Just before I got another Howler from Dad

I got whacked by the whompin willow
I got bitten by a three-headed dog
I got slammed by a Slytherin bludger
Life ' s ok I got a chocolate frog
Life's ok I got a chocolate frog

Snape gave me Dark Arts detention
I couldn ' t make the Quidditch Team
Malfoy called me a name I shouldn ' t mention
and Divination classes make me wanna scream

They all said I was doomed and defeated
Hagrid made me walk through a spidery bog
I found out that my uncle's a werewolf
Life's ok I got a chocolate frog
Life's ok I got a chocolate frog

(bridge)
It's a hard life for a wannabe wizard
Days of double potions and rewards are few
I'm gonna buy a butterbeer at Hogsmeade Tavern
and share my chocolate frog with you

I don't have a Nimbus 2000
I couldn't find the sorcerer's stone
I got snubbed by the Order of the Phoenix
and You-know-who will never leave me alone

You can keep your nosebleed nougats
You can have those licorice wands
I wouldn ' t trade a ton of ton-tongue toffees
Life ' s okay, I got a chocolate frog
Life ' s okay, I got a chocolate frog

I got the evil eye from Mad-Eye Moody
I got a burn from a blast-ended skrewt
I don't think I'm gonna pass potions
and my familiar doesn't give a hoot

After I make my Gringott's deposit
I'm heading home in a floo-powder fog
I'm goin back to my stairwell closet
But I'm taking one treat -- I got a chocolate frog
Life ' s okay, I got a chocolate frog
Life ' s okay, I got a chocolate frog

Lyrics by Brian Sullivan & Larry Morris
Tune by Brian Sullivan
Brian Sullivan -- vocal, guitars
Larry Morris -- vocal
Arthur Hinds -- vocal, percussion
Clyde Gilbert -- vocal, bass

 

No Booze Today © 2007 Emerald Rose
Traditional American Folk

No booze today, no booze today, you can't get booze on Sunday
No booze today, no booze today, you better come back on Monday

There was a little man and he had a wooden leg
and he used to rush the growler
But he went to the saloon on a Sunday afternoon
and you should have heard the bartender holler!

No booze today, no booze today, you can't get booze on Sunday
No booze today, no booze today, you better come back on Monday

He went to the joint to get some gin and satisfy his craving
But to his dismay upon this day all the tubs were used for bathing

No booze today, no booze today, you can't get booze on Sunday
No booze today, no booze today, you better come back on Monday

He asked his neighbor for a beer to stop his throat from dryin'
But the neighbor's wife was far too near and so he started cryin'

No booze today, no booze today, you can't get booze on Sunday
No booze today, no booze today, you better come back on Monday

Now girls can sing and girls can dance and they can play croquet
But they can't strike a match on the seat of their pants
'cause they just ain't built that way!

No booze today, no booze today, you can't get booze on Sunday
No booze today, no booze today, you better come back on Monday

Now the chambermaid came through the door
"Get up you lazy sinner, we need those sheets for tablecloths,
it's almost time for dinner!"

No booze today, no booze today, you can't get booze on Sunday
No booze today, no booze today, you better come back on Monday

Lyrics and tune traditional - add'l lyrics Arthur Hinds
Arrangement Emerald Rose
Arthur Hinds -- vocal, bodhran, percussion
Larry Morris -- vocal, whistle, percussion
Brian Sullivan -- vocal, guitars
Clyde Gilbert -- vocal, bass

instrumental breaks: "Sunday's Hornpipe" Pierre Bensusan, "Never on Sunday" Manos Hadjidakis/Don Costa, "Sunday Bloody Sunday" Bono/U2

 

Tree Huggin Man © 2007 Emerald Rose

Oh now once I was a happy man, I led a happy life
With my big ol' dozer business, and my perfect little wife
I never saw it comin', my ignorance was bliss
I never thought my little girl get turned around like this
But he came down from the mountains, this little scraggly dude
With a bit ol' bulgy backpack and some nasty hikin' shoes
She met him at a rally where we was clearin' land
And my baby ran away with the tree-huggin' man
Yeah my baby ran away with the tree-huggin' man

Now at first it was a friendship, I didn't really mind
I never thought some skinny dude could steal that gal o' mine
But he started her to readin' Alvin Toffler and Al Gore
She sucked it down like cheesecake, pretty soon she wanted more
She lost her poofy hairdo, wouldn't watch her daytime shows
And started listnin' in to National Public Radio
One day his buddies drove up in a psychadelic van
And my baby rode away with the tree-huggin' man
Yeah my baby rode away with the tree-huggin' man

Yeah he's a juice-chuggin, tree-huggin liberal pinko dude
Wearin' hemp pajamas, eatin' natural foods
With his big bushy beard and his cheap tie-dyes
What's this fella got that I can't buy...

Well he ain't got no job, he can't offer her riches
But he sure lit a fire under her pink britches
She's down to Guatamala, now she's up to Oregon
She's savin' whales for Greenpeace, he's got her on the run
She changed her name to Heather, now she's chained herself to trees
All this eco-warrior business, it's some terrible disease
She cut my heart wide open, left it bleedin' on the sand
When my baby ran away with the tree-huggin' man
When my baby ran away with the tree-huggin' man
When my baby ran away with the tree-huggin' man

Lyrics and tune by Larry Morris
Arrangement Emerald Rose
Larry Morris -- vocal
Brian Sullivan -- vocal, guitars
Arthur Hinds -- vocal, bodhran, percussion
Clyde Gilbert -- vocal, bass

 

Fairies Stole My Keys © 2007 Emerald Rose

I woke up Monday morning, a very special day
I had myself an interview -- honest work for honest pay
I walked to my Toyota, as handsome as you please
and found within to my chagrin the fairies stole my keys!

I'd seen them in the kitchen, and all around the floor
They kept a nice apartment just behind the kitchen door
I thundered and I rumbled, I ranted and I screamed
I swear I heard their laughter when the fairies stole my keys

(chorus)
Never try to tell me that fairies don't exist
I've seen them in the forest and playing in the mist
And if you disrespect them, they'll bring you to your knees
I swear I learned my lesson when the fairies stole my keys

I left them on the table like every other day
There's plenty other shiny things that they could take away
Why must they mess with my success and threaten my career
And when I listen closely, what's that jingle that I hear?

I left them cream and butter, I left them copper too
I left them gold and silver, but they never fixed my shoes
No matter how I begged them, they just ignored my pleas
No mercy from the Little Folk, the fairies stole my keys!

(chorus)

I guess I really owe them one, I never got the job
I started playing music in the coffeeshops and pubs
I've travelled all around the world and lived a life of ease
Since one time, for a little while, the fairies stole my keys!

(chorus)

Lyrics by Brian Sullivan & Larry Morris
Tune by Brian Sullivan
Arrangement Emerald Rose

Brian Sullivan -- vocal, guitars, mandola
Arthur Hinds -- vocal, bodhran, percussion
Larry Morris -- whistle
Clyde Gilbert -- bass

 

All For Me Grog © 2007 Emerald Rose
Celtic traditional

(chorus)
It's all for me grog, me jolly jolly grog
It's all for the beer and tobacco
I've spent all me tin on the lassies drinkin' gin
Across the western ocean I must wander

Where are me boots, me noggin, noggin boots?
They've all gone for beer and tobacco
The heels they are worn out and the toes are kicked about
The soles are lookin' out for better weather

(chorus)

Where is me shirt, me noggin, noggin shirt?
It's all gone for beer and tobacco
The collar is all worn and the sleeves they all are torn
The tail is lookin' out for better weather

(chorus)

I'm sick in the head and I haven't gone to bed
Since first I came ashore from me slumber
I've spent all my dough on the lassies, don't you know
Across the western ocean I must wander

(chorusX2)

Lyrics and tune traditional
Arrangement Emerald Rose

Brian Sullivan -- vocal, guitars, beerbottles
Arthur Hinds -- vocal, bodhran, percussion, beerbottles
Larry Morris -- vocal, beerbottles

Clyde Gilbert -- vocal, bass, beerbottles

 

Bronya Vladivoshnoshtk! © 2007 Emerald Rose

We have neither the alphabet, the words, nor the wherewithal to actually transcribe this tune. The language is most likely a blend of Russian, Albanian, Latvian, Serbo-Croatian, and Eastern Lithuanian mountain dialects. Concepts possibly inspired by Tolstoy, Dostoyevski, and Marx (Groucho). If you do, in fact, have a translation of this song, please inform the band at band@emeraldrose.com. If you know Borat personally, let him know we have a theme song.

Music, lyrics and dialect by Arthur Hinds
Arthur Hinds -- vocal

 

Never Split The Party © 2007 Emerald Rose

We were skulking through this dungeon - A pretty sorry lot
Old Galliard the fighter had been actin' like a sot
Our cleric had colitis; our torches all were wet
But we had to find some treasure soon to get us out of debt...

So Galliard and Sonja were itchin' for a fight
They both took the left fork, while we went to the right
And that is when we heard it: the sound of rollin' dice
We wondered why we had ignored those words of sage advice...

Don't You Know? You never split the party
Clerics in the back to keep those fighters hale and hearty
The wizard in the middle, where he can shed some light
And you never let that damn thief out of sight...

So then we heard this bellow from back around the bend
We turned around to see if there was aid that we could lend
And suddenly the corridor was covered up with orcs
We fell back in a panic, feeling like a bunch of dorks...

The thief had pissed his leathers; the monk was turning blue
Our wizard got all flustered and he covered us with goo
The cleric swung his holy club some orcish skulls to break
We tried to dodge his backswing as we pondered our mistake...

Don't You Know? You never split the party
Clerics in the back to keep those fighters hale and hearty
The wizard in the middle, where he can shed some light
And you never let that damn thief out of sight...

We finally found our fighters; they were hacking at a troll
They chopped off knees and elbows but it kept on growing whole
The wizard flung a fireball, his dice they did not fail
He torched the troll and left the fighters roasting in their mail

The cleric had his hands full; apologies were said
We swore an oath we'd stick together just like we were wed
But then we found that sneaky thief had vanished in the gloom
We caught him stuffing pockets in the secret treasure room...

Don't You Know? You never split the party
Clerics in the back to keep those fighters hale and hearty
The wizard in the middle, where he can shed some light
And you never let that damn thief ... no you never let that damn thief ... no you
Ne - ver let - that - damn - thief - out - of - sight!

Lyrics and tune by Larry Morris
Arrrangement Emerald Rose

Larry Morris -- vocal, percussion
Brian Sullivan -- vocal, guitar
Arthur Hinds -- vocal, percussion
Clyde Gilbert -- vocal, bass

 

Vulcan Rubdown © 2007 Emerald Rose

Well now I'm a fan of that new Star Trek and the good ship Enterprise
and I'm rather fond of that Vulcan lass, those ears, those lips, those eyes
but when ratings slip, they shoot from the hip, inspiring my new ditty
the writers reach for the tried-and-true gratuitous semi-nudity!

(chorus)
Oh T'pol, won't you rub me down with disinfectant gel
We'll strip down to our skivvies until we both look swell
You rub mine and I'll rub yours and I swear I'll never tell
Oh T'pol, won't you rub me down with disinfectant gel

Now if I were crew on the Enterprise I'd wear big black shiny boots
and since she is an officer I'd stand stiff and salute!
I'd dream we're back from shore leave, from freedom and vacation
When Doctor Phlox says that magic word, "Decontamination!"

(chorus)

So smooth...so slick...what a move...what a chick...

decontam...what fun...o damn...we're done...

what a date you are...I can't wait for Pon Farr!

(chorus)

Lyrics and tune by Arthur Hinds
Arrangement Emerald Rose

Arthur Hinds -- vocal, percussion
Brian Sullivan -- vocal, guitars
Larry Morris -- vocal
Clyde Gilbert -- vocal, bass

 

Big Damn Heroes © 2007 Emerald Rose


River please don’t kill me with your brain
I know that you’re insane
But still you’re smarter than your brother
Can’t seem to find himself a lover
Can’t even get into Kaylee’s jumpsuit
Got the personality of a breadfruit
River please don’t kill me with your brain

Mal Reynolds, please don’t fling me through your ship
That’s such a painful trip
I’m sorry if I said something wrong
Didn’t know your kick was so strong
Didn’t know I could push you so far, heck,
This kinda thing never happens on Star Trek
Reynolds, please don’t fling me through your ship

(chorus)
Oh, Firefly keep flyin’
Misbehave and keep on tryin’
For another chance to be
Those big damn heroes of Serenity


Jayne, please don’t shoot me with that gun
I know that you’re the one
Who set the cops on Simon and River
Too dumb to think they’d never deliver
Still in Canton they think you’re a hunk
We know where you’ll be – in your bunk
Jayne, please don’t shoot me with your gun

Kaylee, please don’t kill me with your smile
You’re such a flower child
Inara’s the beauty but you got the heart
Givin’ your love to each engine part
You’re the mechanic we all want to meet
Even Jubal Early thinks you’re sweet
Kaylee, please don’t kill me with your smile

(chorus)



Oh Shepherd please don’t whack me with your book
You got that priestly look
Sure know a hell of a lot about guns
Don’t think you been hangin’ out with nuns
Nice try keeping River in line
Shame your hair looks like ol’ Einstein’s
Shepherd please don’t whack me with your book

Wash, please don’t blind me with your shirt
We know who wears the skirt
With you and Zoe, she got the balls
Backed ol’ Niska into the wall
Still, you ain’t no wuss as a pilot, just
Click, click, click and you’re ready to style it
Wash, please don’t blind me with your shirt

(chorus)

Lyrics and tune by Larry Morris
Arrangement Emerald Rose

Larry Morris -- vocal
Arthur Hinds -- vocal, percussion
Brian Sullivan -- vocal, guitars
Clyde Gilbert -- vocal, bass

 

Danny In The Jar © 2007 Emerald Rose

Oh Danny Boy o Danny, the pipes they are a-callin'
From glen to glen and down the mountainside we are a-fallin'
The summer's gone away, and all the flowers dyin'
'Tis you must go and I must bide, then to the pub I'm flyin'

Misha rum wack-a-do wack-a-day
Wack for the whisky o
Wack for the whisky o
There's Danny in the jar!

But if ye should come back, when summer's in the meadow
We'll drink a pint o' Guinness here in sunshine or in shadow
So find where I am lyin', and tell me that ye love me
Then pour a glass of whisky on that grave where ye have shoved me

(chorus)

And when I'm dead & rotten and flowers grow above me
Remember all the beer I drank and everyone who loved me
You'll say an Ave for me, the afterlife is risky
We're drinkin' holy water 'cause the Devil took the whisky!

(chorus)

There's a black velvet band on that green alligator
and McNamara's Band is playin' at the Dun Cow later
The Wild Colonial Boy gave ol' Finnegan's Wake a tussle
and Molly can't stop ravin' 'bout her cockles and her mussels

(chorus)

Traditional Celtic
Add'l lyrics by Larry Morris & Brian Sullivan
Arrangement Emerald Rose

Brian Sullivan -- vocal, guitars
Arthur Hinds -- vocal, percussion
Larry Morris -- vocal, whistle
Clyde Gilbert -- bass
Solitary Motel © 2007 Emerald Rose

Well, since my priestess left me
I got a new place to spell
It's down at the end of Occult Street
It's Solitary Motel

I cast alone, baby, I cast alone
I cast alone 'till the day I die...

Next door is a woman who says that she's an elf
And down the hall's a Mason who just shakes hands with himself

I cast alone, baby, I cast alone
I cast alone 'till the day I die...

Now we got shamans and druids and channelers, Rosicrucians and more
and a Santeria woman with chicken feathers comin' under the door

I cast alone, baby, I cast alone
I cast alone 'till the day I die...

so if your priestess leaves you
and you need a new place to spell
just take a walk down Occult Street
to the Solitary Motel

You'll cast alone, baby, you cast alone
You'll cast alone 'till the day you die...
I cast alone, baby, I cast alone
I cast alone 'till the day I die...

Derived from "Heartbreak Hotel" by Elvis Presley
Add'l lyrics by Arthur Hinds
Arrangement Emerald Rose

Arthur Hinds -- vocal, percussion
Brian Sullivan -- vocal, guitars
Larry Morris -- vocal
Clyde Gilbert -- vocal, bass

 

Vampire Girl from Orn © 2007 Emerald Rose

She came from outer space
She landed in a crater
We said, "Take you to our leader?"
She said, "Maybe later..."
She was five foot six, and nothin' short of stunning
Had the kind of legs that would get your motor running
The Vampire Girl
The Vampire Girl from the Planet Orn

She came to town
Her skirt it was a scandal
To all the local boys, she said
"How much can ya handle?"
Billy Lee, he fell into her clutches
To this day, he only walks with crutches
The Vampire Girl
The Vampire Girl from the Planet Orn

Bobby was the village Casanova
Twenty minutes with her and his career was over
Handsome Jack, she kept from dawn to dusk
We found him by the roadside, a dessicated husk
from the Vampire Girl
The Vampire Girl from the Planet Orn

Everybody wondered if the man was ever born
Who could satisfy her cravings from the evening to the morn
Anyone who tried was met with shame and scorn
It was Wierd Harry who married the Vampire Girl from Orn

The wives and girlfriends, they formed a little posse
Went to have a talk with this new town hussy
They went in, ready for some crushing
When they came on out, they were gigglin' and a blushin'
The Vampire Girl
The Vampire Girl from the Planet Orn

Three at a time, oh man the girl was scary
She finally ran across Old Weird Harry
He was skinny, his knees they were all knobbly
But three days later he wasn't even wobbly from the
Vampire Girl
The Vampire Girl from the Planet Orn

He had her number, everyone could tell
A few days later we were hearing wedding bells
It wasn't rhino horn, it wasn't Ayurvedic
His secret was a specialty prosthetic
for the Vampire Girl
The Vampire Girl from the Planet Orn

Lyrics and tune by Larry Morris
Arrangement Emerald Rose

Larry Morris -- vocal, keyboard F/X
Brian Sullivan -- vocal, guitars
Arthur Hinds -- vocal, percussion
Clyde Gilbert -- vocal, bass

 

http://www.emeraldrose.com/consuite/index.htm

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Skype: Travelingraggyman

 

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Patchwork Merchant Mercenaries had its humble beginnings as an idea of a few artisans and craftsmen who enjoy performing with live steel fighting. As well as a patchwork quilt tent canvas. Most had prior military experience hence the name.

 

Patchwork Merchant Mercenaries.

 

Vendertainers that brought many things to a show and are know for helping out where ever they can.

As well as being a place where the older hand made items could be found made by them and enjoyed by all.

We expanded over the years to become well known at what we do. Now we represent over 100 artisans and craftsman that are well known in their venues and some just starting out. Some of their works have been premiered in TV, stage and movies on a regular basis.

Specializing in Medieval, Goth , Stage Film, BDFSM and Practitioner.

Patchwork Merchant Mercenaries a Dept of, Ask For IT was started by artists and former military veterans, and sword fighters, representing over 100 artisans, one who made his living traveling from fair to festival vending medieval wares. The majority of his customers are re-enactors, SCAdians and the like, looking to build their kit with period clothing, feast gear, adornments, etc.

Likewise, it is typical for these history-lovers to peruse the tent (aka mobile store front) and, upon finding something that pleases the eye, ask "Is this period?"

A deceitful query!! This is not a yes or no question. One must have a damn good understanding of European history (at least) from the fall of Rome to the mid-1600's to properly answer. Taking into account, also, the culture in which the querent is dressed is vitally important. You see, though it may be well within medieval period, it would be strange to see a Viking wearing a Caftan...or is it?

After a festival's time of answering weighty questions such as these, I'd sleep like a log! Only a mad man could possibly remember the place and time for each piece of kitchen ware, weaponry, cloth, and chain within a span of 1,000 years!! Surely there must be an easier way, a place where he could post all this knowledge...

Traveling Within The World is meant to be such a place. A place for all of these artists to keep in touch and directly interact with their fellow geeks and re-enactment hobbyists, their clientele.

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